White Performers Temporarily Switch Races to Perform Porgy and Bess

Although one may not subscribe to the tenets of white supremacy, it is impossible to argue against the idea that white people are the undefeated, undisputed world champions of finding loopholes.

They can get out of murder by claiming they “feared for their life” or were “standing their ground.” They will argue that their actions are not racist by pointing the “what’s-in-my-heart” loophole out. Affluenza, legacy admissions and whiteness, in general, are just a few of the escape clauses that allow them to skirt the rules while peering down their noses at black-on-black crime, affirmative action and blackness in general. It even says in the Bible:

It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into heaven ... Unless he’s white, then—by all means, come right in!
Caucasians 3:16

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This brings us to the opera Porgy and Bess, which was created by Dubose Heyward along with George and Ira Gershwin for black performers. Even in death, the Gershwins stipulated that the play is only to be performed by an all-black cast. So last year, when the Gershwins’ estate told the Hungarian State Opera last year to stop performing the play with an all-white cast, of course white people found a loophole.

They just turned black.

According to the Associated Press and Hungary’s news site, performers were asked to sign a statement that read: “I, the undersigned, hereby state that African-American origin and identity are an inseparable part of my identity. Because of this, I am especially glad to be able to perform in George Gershwin’s opera, Porgy and Bess.”

Opera director Szilvester Okovacs backed up the state opera’s claim by saying, “There is no public registry of skin color in Hungary ... and I can’t really say about the cast if it meets or not the requirement, so I’d rather ask them.”

The unseasoned Hungarian version of Porgy and Bess “is not permitted in its current form and contradicts the work’s staging requirements,” according to programs handed out at the performances. But the Hungarians insist that “identifying as black” for a scant two hours a day legally gives them the right to put on the opera.

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I tend to agree with the show’s producers.

I’m not giving these white idiots a pass. But if this strategy is legally sound, I have a few of my own legal notices I’d like to share with you:

For when I am stopped by the police:

Dear Police Officer,

I, the undersigned, hereby state that being alive and having no bullet holes in my body are inseparable parts of my identity. Because of this, I am especially glad to be able to reach into my glove compartment for my registration and insurance.

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For black Georgia voters:

Dear Poll Worker,

I, the undersigned, hereby declare that I am who I said I am. I do not need a voter registration card, a license, a birth certificate, a note from my mama, Brian Kemp’s personal permission and a letter from Jesus to vote.

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To the student loan people:

Dear Sallie Mae,

I, the undersigned, hereby state that being broke and owing you for the rest of my life is not a part of my identity. Plus, I don’t even know anyone named Sallie. Because of this, I am especially glad to be able to settle with you for $84.21 and two sleeves of Salt & Vinegar Pringles, one of which remains unopened.

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To Rihanna:

Dear Rihanna,

I, the undersigned, hereby declare that I identify as Rihanna’s fiancé. Because of this, I am especially glad to be named heir to the Fenty fortune. If this is in any way unwanted, please feel free to pass this correspondence along to Lupita Nyong’o, Oprah or whomever invented the word “yasss.”

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I’ve watched at least 10 episodes of Law & Order, which pretty much makes me a paralegal, according to the loose-ass laws in Hungary. However, if it is this easy to change one’s race in Hungary, we better watch out. When Rachel Dolezal, the Kardashians and Candace Owens find out about this, it’s over!

When asked for comment, representatives for one particular pop star told The Root that Ariana Grande is not a Hungarian name.

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She must not know about the loophole.

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About the author

Michael Harriot

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.