‘Sup folks! Tonight, the next generation of consoles is upon us as the Xbox Series S and X launch, with the Playstation 5 following suit only two days later.
The coronavirus pandemic has fucked up everything this year, video games included. If you try to go to a Best Buy, Target, Walmart, or Gamestop (gross) tonight, you will be going home empty handed if you didn’t already pre-order your system.
Sony and Microsoft have both announced that sales will be exclusively online at the time of launch, as a way to prevent crowds of folks from storming stores to cop that new heat. While I admire both companies for doing their part to prevent the spread of the virus, this leads me to our first step.
Look, you need to go into this knowing full well, in your heart of hearts, you ain’t getting no damn console tonight.
You probably ain’t getting one Thursday night, either.
Don’t just accept this fact, embrace it, become molded by it, because there is no way in hell these consoles aren’t getting eaten up by bots.
Coming from the sneaker game, I’ve caught many an L at the hands of bots. I doubt any of the digital storefronts have a complex bot filtering system as they’ve never really needed to. So don’t be surprised if you see most of this week’s stock end up on eBay.
Is it disappointing? Always, but you still engage in the hunt because you have that small glimmer of hope that you might just cop.
You probably won’t though, just to be clear.
So you’ve accepted the L and you still wish to valiantly charge into the fray. I admire your courage, youngling.
If you, like me, happen to fall into this category, here’s a list of links of where you need to be.
Best Buy: Xbox Series S and X
Best Buy: Playstation 5
Target: Xbox Series S and X
Target: Playstation 5
Walmart: Xbox Series S and X
Walmart: Playstation 5
The Xbox Series X and S drops tonight at midnight EST, and the Playstation 5 drops Friday morning at midnight EST. For my west coast peeps that translates to 9 pm, and if you’re in Az., like me, that time shifts to 10 p.m.
Don’t just go to the Best Buy site at midnight and think you’re going to have any luck getting a console.
You need to be vigilant.
In fact, if you don’t have at least five different tabs open right now, ready to go, then why are you even here, b? You clearly are not about that life, and do not have the dedication, the grit, needed to reach the top of this PS5 and/or Xbox shaped mountain.
The sites are more than likely going to be overloaded with everyone trying to cop all at once so when that clock strikes 12, it’s going to be a crapshoot. Again, you might get lucky when you refresh the page and catch a dub, but be prepared to have an extra $500 laying around by the end of the night.
This brings me to our next step.
Seriously, do you?
Early reviews are out on both systems, and while both sound like they have potential in the future, it’s a different story when it comes to the here and now.
Neither console is dropping with an exclusive killer app that you just have to play off jump. Sony’s biggest exclusive is Spider-Man: Miles Morales which you’ll also be able to play on PS4. With the delay of Halo: Infinite to next year, Xbox has been advertising Gears 5 as the Xbox exclusive; a game that came out a whole year ago.
Ultimately, these systems are going to be primarily used to run your old games with better frame rates and load times until more exclusives and next-gen optimized titles come out next year. If you have a PS4 Pro or an Xbox One X, you really don’t need to upgrade right now.
While I’m going to try to cop a Series X tonight, that’s mainly because my Xbox One S is on its last legs and, you know, part of my job is to hit y’all with these sweet, sweet, gaming takes.
Do you have similar circumstances? If not, you might be better off holding on to your $500 until there is a better lineup of games, and more availability of the consoles. While I love video games, I love saving money just a little bit more.
‘Sup parents, it’s your boy.
You might be reading this post curious about how to cop the latest system for your child for the upcoming holiday. While the first four steps are applicable to you, this one is exclusively for you.
The Xbox Series X and Series S are the new consoles. The Xbox One X and One S, are the old ones. If your child is specifically asking for “The New Xbox,” they want either the Series X, or the lower priced Series S.
You do not want to show up at Christmas with a console your child already has. Do Xbox’s naming conventions make any sense? Not a damn lick, I can’t help that. I can help you make the correct purchase, though.
Oh, also, If you are a parent, you might need to also explain step 1 to your child. I’m sorry, b, but just because you have kids don’t mean you ain’t catching this L, too.
So that’s a wrap on this buyers guide. I look forward to seeing you all on the battlefield tonight. Hopefully, some of us will be able to come here tomorrow and regale each other with tales of our success.
Probably not, though.