After years of research and evaluation, the Yearly Psychological and Psychiatric Universal Lexicon Listing (Y.P. P.U.L.L.) will make its first addition in years to the official list of mental diseases. Although scientists and researchers often discover variations in already diagnosed maladies, or designate scientific titles for unnamed illnesses, this marks the first time in centuries that a brand-new psychosis has popped out of nowhere.
Originally thought to be a viral brain infection, Trumpfluenza started appearing in the fall of 2015. Doctors soon realized that it was a genetic disorder when they noticed that—like sickle cell—it affected only a small group of Caucasians. Technicians spent hours in laboratories across the world trying to isolate the gene and finally did so on Nov. 9, 2016, when they discovered a balding, fetid, raindrop-shaped turdboy they now refer to as “patient zero.”
Trumpfluenza has a number of recognizable, diagnosable symptoms:
- Skin: The patient’s epidermis usually begins to turn a color that otherwise never appears in nature. After consultations with artists and colorologists, the exact hue was concluded to be “sharp-cheddar orange.” Research has yet to determine what causes this symptom, but initial speculation leads doctors to believe that it is a reaction to the ultraviolet light specific to the particular region of hell that the subject hails from.
- Pathological lying: The subject will display an unusual inability to tell the truth. He may lie about simple things like how much he weighs, his college grades or the size of his fingers. As the disease gets worse, the lies increase in size. He might mention terrorist attacks that never happened, refer to watching Muslims dance for joy on 9/11 or tell HBCU heads that he’s going to do more for them than any other president.
- Xenophobia/racism: Trumpfluenza patients show a disturbing amount of racism and fear of other cultures and religions. They will create executive orders to ban Muslims, and when nurses (or federal judges) tell them that they can’t do that legally or constitutionally, they will try again and again. We’ve heard that there is a patient who actually convinced people to build a wall along the border of Mexico! I can’t confirm whether that is true, because it is just too unbelievable. But it demonstrates the way Trumpfluenza can poison the mind.
- Insomnia: Most Trumpfluenza patients look extremely fatigued because when they aren’t glued to Fox News or reading Breitbart, they stay awake at night composing psychotic tweets that are a mixture of fantasy and idiocy. Scientists have repeatedly found cases of late-night and early-morning tweets that make no sense to anyone but the patient.
- Delusional paranoia: Paranoia is a hallmark of the disease. Subjects will believe everything is out to get them. They will say elections are rigged and illegal immigrants are voting by the millions, but that they still received the highest number of electoral votes—even if they didn’t. In late-stage Trumpfluenza, they will begin to call the news fake and may even think their phones are tapped.
- Impulse control: One of the easiest ways to diagnose this malady is to simply try to get subjects to read from a teleprompter for five minutes. In early-onset stages, subjects may reach for random women’s genitalia—a symptom we call “pussy-grabbing syndrome.” In the final course of the sickness, subjects have been known to hire Russian prostitutes, although our award-winning team of medical researchers still doesn’t know what the “golden shower” thing is that the patient often requests.
No one knows what causes Trumpfluenza. We know it is genetic. We speculate that it is a combination of these circumstances:
- Entitlement: Growing up as the entitled son of a racist billionaire (who was sued for his systematic racism and was once arrested after a violent Ku Klux Klan rally) contributes heavily to Trumpfluenza.
- A minimal intelligence: But no one will tell the subject he is as dumb as a plate of chicken neck, because of his money and power.
- White privilege: Because only a Caucasian could have this kind of privilege—hence the genetics of Trumpfluenza.
- Contagion: Although the disease is genetic, you must still catch it from someone. Fifty-four percent of white women and 60 percent of white men can pass along Trumpfluenza.
- Small penis: Necessary for the overcompensation of masculinity and self-esteem.
There are only three known cures for Trumpfluenza:
- Impeachment: The subject may do something stupid like cheat on his taxes and hide them for years, or have a secret agreement with Russia. Maybe he’ll do something incredibly brazen like accuse the former president of the United States of a felony.
- Time: The longest period we have seen anyone suffer from Trumpfluenza is eight years—unless the victim overthrows the government and installs a dictatorship. So, it’s about 50-50.
- Apocalypse: Maybe the pea-brained victim, overtaken with delusion and racism, hampered by his low intelligence, boosted by the hypermasculinity of his small-penis syndrome, coerced by his Russian blackmailers, does something shockingly stupid and launches nuclear missiles at Iran for joking about his comb-over, instigating World War III.
When the United States is reduced to a smoldering pile of bricks and Big Macs—or, even worse, when our entire economy is slowed down to a halt and there is nothing left but Russian vodka and Trump steaks—at least we’ll be able to look at our new Slavic overlords, hold up our test results and say:
“At least I don’t have Trumpfluenza.”