On Oprah Winfrey:

I’d love Oprah to run. I’d love to beat Oprah. I know her weakness. No, no, I know her weakness. You know I know her very well. I was on her last show or one of the last—I guess the last week. She had Donald Trump and Donald Trump’s family. My, my, my, we’ve come down a long way, haven’t we? I’m now president and probably you know—but, but think of it, I know her weakness. Wouldn’t we love to run against Oprah? I would love it. I would love it. That would be a painful experience for her.

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On the death penalty for drug dealers:

A drug dealer will kill 2,000, 3,000, 5,000 people during the course of his or her life. Thousands of people are killed or their lives are destroyed, their families are destroyed. So you can kill thousands of people and go to jail for 30 days ...

And then you wonder why we have a problem. That’s why we have a problem. And I don’t think we should play games. Now, I never did polling on that. I don’t know if that’s popular. I don’t know if that’s unpopular. Probably you’ll have some people who say, “Oh, that’s not nice.”

But these people are killing our kids and they’re killing our families. And we have to do something.

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On Mexicans and gangs:

How about ICE [Immigration and Customs Enforcement]? These ICE guys are tough as hell. They go in and they are not playing games. You know, the only thing I hate to say, not so politically correct, but the only thing these gang members understand is toughness. I hate to say it. They’re not interested in genius. They’re not interested—they’re interested in somebody who is tougher than them, that’s what, and we have the toughest people you’ve ever seen, and they went out in Long Island and they grabbed them by the neck and they threw them in the paddy. We’re cleaning out. We’re doing it.

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Trump also used his time to call Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) “Pocahontas” and Meet the Press’ Chuck Todd a “sleeping son of a bitch” and, for some unknown reason, took full credit for the 2018 Winter Olympics, which were held in South Korea.

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When asked for a rebuttal, Maxine Waters, Oprah Winfrey, Chuck Todd, Elizabeth Warren, Mexico, MS-13, the male child of an actual bitch and a guy who sells crystal meth at a Jupiter, Fla., trailer park all pointed to the fact that each of them had better approval ratings than Donald Trump.

Neither the overripe cantaloupe on my counter nor the rotting soul of the American electorate had any comment.