After being shamed into visiting the troops around Christmastime, President Artie Lange’s Coke Nose boasted to American troops in Iraq about the 10 percent pay raise he fought for to make sure soldiers were taken care of because had it not been for a doctor writing a bogus bill of health to keep him out of Vietnam, he’d would have been right there with them.
“You just got one of the biggest pay raises you’ve ever received,” Trump said in remarks at the Al Asad Air Base during his surprise trip to Iraq on Wednesday, NBC News reports. “You haven’t gotten one in more than 10 years—more than 10 years. And we got you a big one. I got you a big one.”
Maybe the troops didn’t hear President FuFu Lactavious’ remarks as they cheered.
But the truth is the president didn’t do shit.
NBC News notes:
Troops will receive a 2.6 percent — not 10 percent — pay hike for 2019; they got a 2.4 percent pay hike in 2018.
Military pay raises are tied to increases private-sector wages, as calculated by the Department of Labor. Congress can also enact raises that exceed that rate, as well.
But when has the president of people who watch the NFL ever let the truth get in the way of patting himself on the back?
Trump not only told the troops that he got them a fictional raise but he made up a scenario in which people didn’t want to give them a raise, but he fought the fictional opposition for the troops because that’s the kind of stand-up guy he is.
“They said, ‘You know, we could make it smaller. We could make it three percent. We could make it two percent. We could make it four percent.’ I said, ‘No. Make it 10 percent. Make it more than 10 percent,’” Trump told the troops. “It’s been more than 10 years. That’s a long time. And, you know, you really put yourselves out there, and you put your lives out there. So congratulations.”
Reports note that Trump has never lost a fictional fight. As it stands, he came close to losing a make-believe battle against a bear with the head of a dragon but in the end, Trump raised the dragonbear’s rent and, after filing several grievances with the court, the bear was forced to move out.
“No force in history has done more for the cause of justice and peace,” Trump told the service members. “We are always going to protect you. And you just saw that because you just got one of the biggest pay raises you’ve ever received.”
Except they didn’t. But don’t let any of this stop you from enjoying a feel-good story about a shamed president being forced to visit troops and money he never gave them but claimed he did.