Thirsty Republicans Slide Into America’s DMs for Obamacare Repeal ... Again

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.), center, with members of the Senate Republican leadership at the U.S. Capitol in Washington, D.C., on Sept. 12, 2017. Also pictured are Sens. John Barrasso (R-Wyo.), second left; John Thune (R-S.D.), third right; and John Cornyn (R-Texas), second right. (Win McNamee/Getty Images)

Republicans are trying to repeal Obamacare again. At this point, the efforts to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act have passed the point of political failure and have become embarrassing. Republicans are like the creepy guy who keeps shooting his shot even though he keeps getting curved. The Republican Party is now stalking us.

According to multiple outlets, the GOP is trying to conjure up votes for a last-ditch Obamacare repeal that no one—not even Republican governors—seems to be interested in. The Washington Post reports that a bipartisan group of 10 governors of states, ranging from progressive Massachusetts to solidly Republican Montana, wrote a letter (pdf) to Senate Majority Leader and suspected half-turtle Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) asking him to drop the new push to eliminate the Affordable Care Act.

Because I grew up with three sisters, a mother and my grandmother, I’ve heard the awful stories about men who can’t take no for an answer. There are many women who prefer a guy who takes the initiative, approaches a woman and asks her out, but at some point, initiative crosses the line and becomes creepy harassment. We all know that guy.


America wanted health care for years. A few years ago she finally met a guy named Obamacare, and he made her so happy. He helped her out with her medical bills. He paid for her birth control. He moved with her when she got a new job. He even helped take care of her kids.

For eight years, the GOP and his conservative friends have been throwing shade at Obamacare, telling America that when they got themselves together, they were going to offer her something better. They finally got a job running the Senate, the House of Representatives and even the presidency. As soon as they got into office, they started trying to holla at America.


First they asked her in front of everyone, but when America heard their plans, she said, “Nah, I like this guy better.” She even changed her social media status from “single” to “In a relationship with reasonably priced medical care,” but Republicans keep shooting their shot. Despite the fact that she curved them in front of the entire country, they kept trying. Even when she said she’d think about it, they invited the whole crew over for a cookout in the Rose Garden, but she eventually turned them down again.

And again.

I know white guys aren’t used to being told “no,” but this is getting ridiculous. Are we going to have to send our cousins to the Republicans’ House to fight them? Maybe some of you can help. What do you do to get the thirsty dude to realize he has no chance?


Normally I wouldn’t care about the Republicans’ feelings, but I’m afraid we are all going to wake up one morning, check our direct messages on Twitter and find that our greatest fears have been realized:

Trump is going to send America a dick pic.

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About the author

Michael Harriot

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.