There’s Nothing Wrong With Having Dating Preferences

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I recently went on the world’s longest first date. It was in Vegas, it lasted 48 hours and it was magnificent. He treated me like a queen and never said no to anything I asked.


I’ll tell you about the date in a separate column, because it warrants its own space, but the significance of my mentioning it here is simple: The entire thing made me realize that there is nothing wrong with having dating preferences and holding out for what you want. Nothing at all.

Allow me to explain.

I see people getting judged on social media all the time for saying they don’t want to date a person who is not established or who doesn’t have money or who has kids, etc.

Why should those types of dating preferences be considered a problem? If you know what you have to offer and you know what you want, why should you be criticized for having specific dating preferences?

A lot of problems occur when people “settle” for less than what they want in a relationship. Although it can be all good in the beginning, eventually problems surface because being unevenly yoked with your partner is not ideal. Those differences can make you become resentful and lead to unhealthy behaviors in the relationship.

I used to try to put aside my preferences in favor of being “open-minded,” but the older I get, the more “Fuck that” my attitude is about it, and sticking to my preferences has actually made my dating life a lot better.

It’s easy to weed out the riffraff when you know exactly what you want.

For me, this means recognizing and accepting that I am attracted to powerful men and men with confidence and self-assuredness. There is nothing more attractive than a man who knows who he is and lives in it. Insecurity can be exhausting, and constantly having to build up a partner who is always down on himself gets old fast.


I am a confident, self-assured woman, so it’s important to me to have a man who will not be intimidated by that or become insecure because of it. Let’s be beautiful, powerful and confident together, boo.

At this age, I’m also done with dating “potential.” I’m established in my career, and my star is continuing to rise. I have my own money that allows me to do the things I want to do, and I’m not looking to date anyone who is not on that level. I’m not at all interested in dating anyone who is limited in this area. Those days are long over. In my final form, I shall be Auntie Mame, and I need someone who can keep up with that lifestyle.


Of course, someone who understands how nonmonogamy works is also important. Being able to respect openness in whatever type of relationship we decide to build with each other is a requirement. Thinking that you will be the “one” to change my mind is a turnoff and something I will not tolerate, so in the words of Cardi B, “Be careful of me.”

Lastly, I only date black men. It is a decided preference. I don’t have anything against white men, and I have found plenty of them to be attractive, but when it comes down to it, I am always drawn to black men. We have a shared experience and we relate on a level that I know I would not be able to reach with someone who doesn’t have that same history. It’s as simple as that. (The exploration of race as a dating preference is a column all unto itself, and I promise to explore that at a later date.)


I am not everyone’s cup of tea, and I am OK with that. There are certainly aspects of me that are likely deal breakers for someone else. It’s cool. We are all entitled to our preferences, and we don’t have to settle for less than what we want.

Not settling and knowing what I want is what led me to go on a 48-hour first date based out of a suite at the Bellagio in Vegas last weekend.


It’s what led me to Mr. Big.

But again, that is another story for another column.

News Editor for The Root. I said what I said. Period.


Monique Judge

This is called a false equivalence. My personal choices for who I want to date/marry/have sex with are not the same as choices a business makes when hiring someone, but OK.