The White Person's Guide To Surviving A Terrorist Attack

NBC screenshot
NBC screenshot

My Dear Caucasian Brethren,

I want to first thank you for allowing me to speak to the Global Society for the Advancement of White People for the third time. It is indeed an honor and a privilege to stand before such luminaries as Hillary Clinton, Taylor Swift, Donald Trump and the entire cast of Exodus: Gods and Kings. Today I was summoned to speak to you about living under the existential threat of terrorism.


For the past few years, Americans have faced this ever-growing threat head-on. I know it can be scary, but because my people have lived under the constant fear of fugitive slave hunters, lynching, Ku Klux Klan groups, skinheads, vigilantes, neighborhood watchmen, police brutality and random angry men at gas stations telling us our music is too loud, I thought I’d share with you a few tips on surviving the terrorist threat:

1. Keep calm and carry on

I know you guys love that meme, but there is a lot of truth in it. The most important part of living under the constant threat of violence and death is not to let your everyday life crumble under the weight of fear. I know the reports of dark-hearted ISIS members hiding in shadows, wearing ninja costumes and waving black flags scare you, but more Americans likely died yesterday from guns used by other Americans than have been killed by members of the Islamic State all year. If Black people were as prone to your kind of anxiety, we’d have panic attacks every time we passed a police car, saw blue lights or walked by White men handling ropes. Imagine if we stopped driving to job interviews after hearing about Sandra Bland or stopped walking to corner stores after Trayvon Martin’s lynching. Trust me, you’ll learn to live with it.

2. You’re probably going to have to listen to some b.s.

If you decide to do something to fight back against the existential threat that you and your people face, prepare yourself for some idiotic pushback. The first thing people might ask you when addressing the mass murder of innocent people by an armed, militaristic group trying to take away the rights of free people is, “Well, what about White-on-White crime?” I know it’s an idiotic question; I’m just trying to prepare you for it. I know that you are trying to address a specific problem, and the fact that White people kill far more White people than terrorists do is not at all related to the problem that you’re working on … but still.

3. Prepare to give up some rights

When the FBI politely asked Apple to help it develop a way to unlock an iPhone, it sparked a White-on-White debate so vigorous that it lasted for weeks. Meanwhile, people of color sat back, shocked that you live in such a pristinely righteous world that you can worry about the individual little freedoms locked away in your smartphone. As you continue living under this threat, pray that you aren’t subject to unreasonable searches like Charnesia Corley, on whom police forced a vaginal search while looking for a small amount of marijuana. If the police kick in your door, raid your house and shoot your dog … then figure out they are in the wrong house, remember that this is the price we have to pay to be safe.


4. You might have to sacrifice your children

If the “war on terror” mirrors the “war on drugs,” remember that you might not even be able to keep your children safe from the “protectors.” To make sure your neighborhoods are safe from the terrorist threat, they might lob grenades through the windows of the wrong house and shoot your children in the face, like they did Aiyana Stanley-Jones. Sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make a Safe America omelet. It’s usually the darker eggs, but we all have yolks on the inside.


In conclusion, my Caucasian brethren, be strong, be vigilant, but most of all, be safe. It is a brave, new, scary world you are entering. We welcome you to it, and, yes …

We already know: Caucasian Lives Matter.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.



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