Now that Democrats are fully aware that its general election success hinges on the black vote, the race for the party’s presidential nomination has evolved into a spectacular game of one-upmanship between Cinderellas trying to convince us who’s the wokest white person of them all. It seems like it was only yesterday that black voters had to resort to arm-twisting to even get a candidate to say “black lives matter,” and now all of the Caucasian candidates are arguing over how they’re going to make it rain negro reparation checks when they become president.
While this newfound brand of woke whiteness is a stunning turnaround, they are not all the same. There are levels to this shit. So for the uninitiated, we present the six kinds of woke wypipo.
1. White Woketeps
These kinds of white people are annoyingly woke. They wear cornrows, dashikis and study African culture like they’re making a sequel to Hidden Colors. White woketeps refer to Africa as “the motherland” and ever since they took a college trip to Ghana, they bring it up at every opportunity.
The reason they are annoying is that they’re really, really racist ... against white people. They would join the Nation of Islam if it was allowed. In fact, a white woketep is the only white person I’ve ever heard in my life refer to pork as “swine.”
However, they’re racist against black people, too. They speak to every black person in white people’s ebonics, love talking about the hood, and only date black people. They aspire to resemble the caricature of blackness they have created in their minds.
How to tell a white woketep: They sprinkle phrases like “Asé” into the conversation and tell you they’re “More Malcolm than Martin.” They tell you their parents are really racist even though their dad is usually a dentist who raised them in the suburbs. They assure you that their other homies let them say the n-word.
Examples: MC Serch, Rachel Dolezal, most Kardashians, Elizabeth Warren
2. Safety Pinterests
These people are aware of the systematic injustices suffered by the communities of color. They are insistent on using their privilege to right the wrongs of the capitalist system and have a Masters degree in Oppressive Studies from Yale, which is how they got their job as the community development director at the nonprofit after-school program that serves inner-city, urban, disadvantaged, unprivileged youths by teaching them coding. They drive Subarus exclusively and only wear sandals.
They are agnostic but they know the words to negro spirituals and are diligently working to make Juneteenth a national holiday. These are the new-school hippies who occupy Wall Street and sign up for the “resistance.” They also don’t like deodorant unless it is all natural.
How to tell a Safety Pinterest: They have a Black Lives Matter bumper sticker on their Subaru and they kneel during the national anthem. They refer to themselves as an “ally.” They are vegan but they smoke clove cigarettes.
Examples: Beto O’Rourke, former Teen Vogue staffers, Mika Brzezinski, the rest of the Kardashians
These are people who need you to understand that inequality is a result of a capitalist society and economics. It’s not racism, it’s corporate greed. It’s the “one percent.” It’s math. These people believe structural inequality can be cured by addressing the wage gap, education funding, criminal justice reform and the school-to-prison pipeline.
They want Medicare-for-all, a $25 minimum wage, Wall Street reform and free college tuition but they don’t support reparations because it would cost too much. They also think white women are oppressed and often talk about “dismantling the patriarchy.” When they are in a bind, they will acknowledge the existence of racism for political expedience and quickly move on. They will remind you who won the popular vote. They will adopt a black child but won’t take the time to learn how to do their child’s hair.
How to tell a dismantler: It may take you a while to notice, but you will eventually notice that Dismantlers never ever say the word “black people.” They say “people of color” or “non-white people. They wear pink hats and own at least one pair of Birkenstocks. They carry their adopted black child in their arms until the kid is 13 years old.
Examples: Bernie Sanders, Kirsten Gillibrand, people who were “with her.”
4. Cool-Ass White People
These people are not noticeable. They have reasonable positions on most things and they acknowledge that there is bias in America’s system. Instead of talking, they listen a lot and use critical thinking. Even when they hold opposing ideas, they are willing to change their minds.
When it comes to racism, they try to learn because they understand that they live in a different America. They voted for Obama and they believe in the promise of America but they also worry about their 401(k). They would never kneel during the national anthem because they honor the troops but believe that everyone has the right to do so. Most of their friends are white but they attend a mixed church and low-key know more about hip-hop than you do. They like Aerosmith, first responders and Jeru the Damaja.
How to Recognize Cool-Ass White People: They wear Vans or Chuck Taylors. They always ask you if you want to hang out or visit their church. You run into them at a J. Cole concert and they wonder why you’re surprised to see them. They own a kayak.
Examples: Rachel Maddow, Jon Stewart, the white dude in Run the Jewels
5. Store Brand White People
These are just regular old, run-of-the-mill, no-washcloth-using white people. These are the people for whom scrapbooking, Swiffer Wet Jets and white Jesus were created. These Great Value Americans are usually conservative but they are real conservatives. They have lived in a bubble of privilege so long that their main concerns are low taxes and small government. They deify the founding fathers, Ronald Reagan and George Will. They won’t argue that racism exists, they just think that education, family and hard work is the answer because store brand white people can get custom made Timberlands that come with bootstraps by which one can pull themselves up. Still, they donate money to charities that help the poor and downtrodden—mostly animal shelters and cancer funds, but still ... it’s something.
These people definitely don’t think they’re racist because they hired a nice Mexican guy to cut the grass and they often wonder what Martin Luther King Jr. would have thought. But when their daughter told them that she was dating a guy named LaMont, they prayed to white Jesus it was a French guy she met during her layover in Paris on the way back from Ghana. When they found out it was a colored fella, they wept.
Also, that Mexican gardener is really Dominican.
How to spot Store Brand White People: They’re the easiest to spot because they don’t tint their car windows, their house always has an oversized American flag out front and they still have a Bush/Cheney Bumper sticker. Store brand white women are the ones who secretly voted for Trump. They keep a lot of shit in the attic. Store brand white people love attics. It’s where they keep their scrapbooks. Also, store brand white people usually take their dogs with them everywhere they go.
Examples: Paul Ryan, Taylor Swift, Jimmy Fallon, people who buy Skechers, any white woman named Frances.
Trumplestiltskins are essentially woke trolls. These are the Trump followers who believe in the “deep state” Q-Anon and false flags. Most Trumplestiltskins get news from Infowars, Brietbart and the Daily Caller because Fox News is too mainstream for them. Plus there’s a liberal agenda that they read about in the 33,000 deleted Hillary Clinton emails to George Soros setting up the Uranium One deal in Benghazi with the liberal elite. But leftists don’t want you to hear that because they want to keep you on the Democratic plantation.
Trumplestiltskins are the wokest of the woke because they can dismiss any fact that doesn’t fit their narrative by accusing you of falling for the fake news from the liberal agenda. Trumplestiltksins are ultimately smarter than special prosecutors, judges, journalists, eyewitnesses, scientists, photographic proof, and especially “leftists.” In Trumplestiltskinian, a “leftist” is the demonic result of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez fucking one of those Satanic people who knows algebra. They are not quite white supremacists they just want to control the borders, protect the Constitution (because Jesus wrote it), stop Sharia law and Make America Great Again ... Oh, and keep white people supreme.
How to spot a Trumplestiltskin: The Trumplestilskin uniform is a MAGA hat (or alternately, a University of Alabama hat), a Dri-Fit polo, wraparound sunglasses with a neck harness, straight leg jeans, camouflage pants or chinos, and New Balance running shoes. Or you can just do the secret Trumplestiltskin call:
Examples: Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity, people who buy camouflage wallets, Steve King