The Secret Service Is Going Broke Protecting Y’all’s Baller in Chief

Oliver Douliery/Getty Images
Oliver Douliery/Getty Images

We’re not even two-thirds of the way through 2017, and the Secret Service has damn near run out of money because Donald “D. Diddy” Trump insists on living like he’s perpetually on the set of a ’90s rap video.


According to USA Today, more than 1,000 agents have already hit the limit for their salary and overtime that was meant to last the entire year. Secret Service Director Ralph “Tex” Ailes blamed the unusually high costs on Trump’s travel and his large family.

Because of Pumpkin Spice Hitler’s three baby mamas, the agency is protecting 42 people, including 18 members of the Trump clan. That’s 11 more than the number of people under protection during the Obama administration.


A large percentage of the budget also has been depleted protecting his homes and vacation sites, including Mar-a-Lago (site of the nasty kitchen), his Bedminster, N.J., vacation home (his headquarters for praising white supremacy) and Trump Tower (the New York skyscraper where Spider-Man Obama scaled the walls and planted listening devices).

But the real cost is Trump’s family. The Secret Service spent $100,000 on hotel rooms alone when Eric Trump (the Nazi son, not the dumb son) recently visited Uruguay. In February, the slow-witted son and the white supremacist son opened a new hotel in Vancouver, British Columbia, while we paid for their protection. Ivanka Trump took her pet ferret husband to an exclusive ski resort in Aspen, Colo., this past March, forcing us to foot the bill. Each presidential golf weekend at Mar-a-Lago costs around $3 million, according to the General Accounting Office.

Instead of focusing on the lies the GOP tells about reducing federal spending and “draining the swamp,” we thought we’d offer Mandarin Mussolini a few suggestions on how he could reduce the Secret Service budget.

1. Throw a rent party at the White House: Charge $25 in advance, $50 at the door. Ladies get in free before 10 o’clock. Trust me, people in Washington, D.C., would show up if you got someone to make a crisp flyer and Facebook invitation. There’s gotta be bottle service, and you must find the right DJ.


You could probably fund the Secret Service until at least Thanksgiving if you turned the Lincoln Bedroom and the Oval Office into a paid VIP section. Niggas love VIP.

2. Borrow it from Russia: Don’t act like Donny can’t call up Vladimir Putin and ask him to float a few hundred million until next election. Don’t think of it as charity; think of it as an investment. Since Vladimir dropped all that money stealing the election, I don’t think he’d have any problem protecting his investment.


3. Use the National Rifle Association: The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Why not use all those rednecks in jean vests, camouflage vests and “Make America Great Again” shirts as volunteer Secret Servicemen. Since they love “open carry” so much, I’m sure they’re equipped to protect the president.

Plus, the worst-case scenario is that one of those Bubbas accidentally shoots Donald Trump in his thigh during a press conference, and we have to watch doughnut filling and Pepsi Cola ooze out of the wound.


4. “You’re on your own.” I don’t think anyone has a problem with the Secret Service protecting the White House. But if Trump wants to go hang out every weekend at the taxpayers’ expense, tell him, “You can go, but either you’re paying the Secret Service, or you won’t have protection this weekend.”

If he’s not working for us, why should we pay for all these golf trips? I know it’s a hard job, but I used to work at Arby’s in the local mall when I was in college. It was such a shitty job, I smoked a blunt with my friend who worked at Sbarro every day during our lunch break. If I asked my manager to put in $5 on the weed, what do you think her response would have been?


5. Use the money he’s making off the presidency: Trump is profiting off the presidency like no other commander in chief in history. He’s basically using the presidency as a marketing campaign for Trump properties.

How about asking him to kick some of that money back to the people charged with protecting his life? Or at least pay for the VIP section and provide the Secret Service with some of that good Russian vodka.


I’m sure they could use a few shots during their lunch breaks.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.

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So strange. Every week we’d hear Right Wingers denouncing the money Obama spent when he went on one of his rare vacations, but Trump’s spent more on vacations and travel in less than one year than Obama did in eight, and not a peep for those people who are so concerned about government spending.