The Rise of Lonely, Single Men… Really?

In a recent Psychology Today feature entitled “The Rise of Lonely, Single Men,” Greg Matos PsyD writes about a trend that shows a growing number of men are checking the long-term single box.

Dr. Matos cites that although dating apps are a popular way to meet people these days, over sixty percent of app users are men, making it difficult for heterosexual men to find a good match. He adds that the overabundance of available men on dating platforms allows women to be even more selective. And as a result, the unlucky dudes who don’t find partners have fewer opportunities to date and can often find themselves standing alone in the long run.

Matos writes, “I hear recurring dating themes from women between the ages of 25 and 45: They prefer men who are emotionally available, who are good communicators, and who share their values.” I mean, is anything wrong with that? In fact, I would argue that when it comes to long-term relationships, emotional unavailability should be a deal-breaker.

Here at The Root, we’re always trying to deliver the stories that matter to Black people. And I’ve gotta be honest with you, I don’t know if we’re speaking the same language here. Dr. Matos is correct in saying that women want to date men who are good communicators and emotionally available. But I don’t know if I can agree that they always have an overabundance of available options.

Too often, the Black women in my sister circles say the men they meet are single because they want to be. And for many of these women who have dreams of marriage and children, finding a compatible partner is no easy feat. They are working against a biological clock that does not stop and swimming in a pool of men who aren’t facing the same timeline. When the conversation turns from what movie to see or where to have dinner to long-term goals of marriage and family, my girls often find themselves ghosted by guys who are scared off.

And while I by no means think that my informal research can be used to make a generalization of Black men as a whole, I can’t help but feel for so many of my sisters who just can’t seem to find a partner who isn’t scared off by talk of settling down. In his piece, Dr. Matos does challenge men to seek individual therapy for help in the the areas they are lacking in order to make themselves emotionally ready for a long-term commitment.

“Men have a key role in this transformation, but only if they go all-in. It’s going to take that kind of commitment to themselves, to their mental health, and to the kind of love they want to generate in the world,” he said. The question is, will they listen?