The NYPD Wants Desiigner’s Penis Pics

 Desiigner (D Dipasupil/Getty Images for iHeart- Power 105.1)
Desiigner (D Dipasupil/Getty Images for iHeart- Power 105.1)

Somewhere in New York City, there is a police officer who has bravely set aside his dedication to stopping and frisking random black men to work on one of the greatest penis-related crimes of the century. This brave hero, dedicated to protecting and serving the citizens of the Big Apple, is charged with tracking down evidence that would make Robert Mueller’s collusion investigation look like a Hardy Boys mystery, and there’s only one thing that could solve the case:

Desiigner’s dick pics.

According to TMZ, the New York City Police Department is planning to subpoena footage from a privately owned camera to see if it shows footage of the “Panda” rapper’s man meat. Desiigner, whose real name is Sidney Royel Selby III, apparently exposed himself twice to a motorist in footage shared by DJ Akademiks.


In the footage, the mumble rapper appears to pull down his pants twice, each time screaming, “Suck my dick!” Because of the angle of the Twitter footage, the Panda package is not shown, forcing local authorities to seek footage from street-facing security cameras in the area.

The motorist who presumably had a full view of whether or not D actually pulled out “the D” did not file a complaint. The NYPD is investigating based on the internet footage alone because, as we all know, exposing one’s penis in broad daylight is an activity known in New York as “acting normal.”

If the cops are able to track down the footage and it shows Desiigner’s New York-style hot dog, he faces a lewdness charge that carries a fine of as much as $500 and up to three months in jail. The 20-year-old might want to consider copping a plea because guys named Sidney (yes, his bologna has a first name) don’t traditionally do well at Rikers Island.

In related news, “Sidney Selby says suck his stuff” is the new “Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.” Also, there is no truth to the rumor that Desiigner’s pepper is pickled because—as documented in his magnum opus—he’s got broads in Atlanta.

(See what I did there? “Magnum.” Heh heh.)

When asked if the subpoena simply said, “Send nudes,” the NYPD had no comment.

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How did we get through this whole article without spelling penis peniis?