The North Carolina Republican Voter Fraud Scandal, Explained to a Racist 5-Year-Old

Republican Congressional candidate for North Carolina’s 9th district Mark Harris (C), addresses the crowd as President Donald Trump (L) and Republican Congressional candidate for North Carolina’s 13th district Ted Budd (R), listen at the Bojangles Coliseum on October 26, 2018 in Charlotte, North Carolina
Republican Congressional candidate for North Carolina’s 9th district Mark Harris (C), addresses the crowd as President Donald Trump (L) and Republican Congressional candidate for North Carolina’s 13th district Ted Budd (R), listen at the Bojangles Coliseum on October 26, 2018 in Charlotte, North Carolina
Photo: Sean Rayford (Getty Images)

Hi, Hitler!

I’m not Hitler. Oh, wait, racist baby, I think you mean “Heil Hitler.” When Nazis raise their hands like that, they’re saluting. It’s not a greeting, it’s a racist gesture.


I don’t think that’s right. It’s how my daddy waves goodbye every day.

OK, racist baby. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. What’s been going on?

Not much. I heard my mommy talking about voter fraud in North Carolina. Trump told you that the negroes need voter ID to stop the unlegal Mexicans from voting! But you said they didn’t! I guess you’re going to apologize, now?

Well, actually, my little intolerant toddler, it is the white people who were doing the cheating. Namely, a white political operative named Leslie Dowless who was working for the pro-Trump Republican candidate from North Carolina’s 9th congressional district.

But when my dad was bringing me home from his mistress’ house, he told me that white people don’t cheat! So what happened?

Here’s what happened, racist baby. Even though we say an election has a winner and a loser on election day, the results aren’t officially certified until weeks, and sometimes months later.

Well when North Carolina’s State Board of Elections looked at the results from Mark Harris’s victory, they noticed something unusual with the absentee ballots.

I bet they smelled like fried chicken, didn’t they? Did black people vote, go to the car, change clothes, and vote again like Mr. Trump said? Or did they count the votes twice or something?

No, you ignorant infant. They noticed that Bladen County had the highest number of absentee ballots in the state. In fact, they had more than twice the percentage of absentee ballots than the average county in North Carolina.


Then they noticed that in every county, Harris’ opponent Dan McCready won a huge margin of absentee ballots. But in Bladen County, Harris won 61 percent of the absentee votes even though Republicans only accounted for 19 percent of the absentee ballots in the county.

Robeson County is mostly black and Native American and usually leans Democratic. But curiously, researchers noticed that in the recent midterms a large number of black voters voted Republican. They also noticed that the return rate for black voters’ absentee ballots was really high.


I think that’s what they called the Trump effect. Maybe they just wanted to make America great again.

Well ... not quite.

They discovered that the number of unreturned absentee ballots was unusually high in Bladen and nearby Robeson County. The average county’s unreturned ballots rate is usually 24 percent in North Carolina. In Bladen County, the unreturned rate was 40 percent. In Robeson County, the rate was 62 percent.


Wow. It does seem suspicious even though I don’t know what “percent” means. My parents won’t let me study evil liberal subjects like math and science.

So anyway, that’s when they discovered the work of a political operative named McRae Dowless.


Among other things, they discovered that Dowless had been paying people to “harvest” absentee ballots, oftentimes from poor and minority voters, to turn them in, which is against the law in North Carolina. Workers have also been accused of filling out ballots and throwing away ballots that were already filled out for other candidates.

Sounds like reverse racism to me. He was just helping to collect the votes. You think it’s cheating but how do you know, know?

Well, there’s the part about the same nine people signing more than 100 ballots. Or Lucy Young, who said she received an absentee ballot even though she didn’t request one because she’d already voted early in person. Or these testimonials from the Charlotte Observer:

Datesha Montgomery said that on Oct. 12, a woman came by her house and told her she was collecting absentee ballots. In the affidavit, Montgomery said she voted for two candidates: one for sheriff, the other for school board. The woman told her “the others were not important. I gave her the ballot and she said she would finish it herself. I signed the ballot and she left. It was not sealed up at any time.”

Emma Shipman said a woman came to her house and told her she was assigned to collect absentee ballots. “I filled out the ballot while she waited outside and gave it to her . . . She took the ballot and put it in an envelope and never sealed it or asked me to sign it. Then she left . . . I thought she was legitimate.”


Or the people who admitted to a CNN reporter that they harvested ballots and delivered them to Dowless (again, illegal). Or ...

Ok, I get it. Why is everyone making this such a big deal? It’s not like I’ve heard of Mark Harris before.

Well, my little fascist, it is significant because Republicans are constantly ringing the alarm about voter fraud, even though it is rare. And every time it is discovered, it is never in-person voter fraud for which the Republican Party increasingly creates hurdles to prevent.


And since Trump became President, the only evidence of widespread voter fraud comes directly from his allies. Now, do you see why it’s important?

No, but then again, I’m only 5 years old. Bye Hitler!

There’s no such thing as “Bye Hitler,” racist baby. It’s “Auf Wiedersehen.” Sigh ...


Bye, racist baby.

“I’ll be the same.” Hitler to you, too.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.


Nunna Yorz - American Justice Is A Joke

Doesn’t the form itself have instructions on where/how/who to return it to? Why would you do anything other than what’s on the form?