On Thursday the Supreme Court upheld the University of Texas’ affirmative action policies and shot down claims by Abigail Fisher that the policy was unconstitutional. Although Fisher claimed that she was denied entry to the University of Texas because she was white; obviously her spot had been taken by some student of color who was less qualified than she was.
However, during the case, it was revealed that Fisher had lower grades than all but 47 students who were admitted to UT that year. Of the students who were admitted to Texas with grades lower than Fisher’s, 42 of the 47 were white. Instead of Kanye-shrugging her shoulders and resigning herself to another school, she decided to sue.
As a legacy student whose parents had attended the school, she felt she should have been afforded the opportunity of hopscotching past the more qualified candidates because … well … white privilege.
What most people don’t know is that Abigail Fisher has a long history of filing grievances—and not just with court systems. Whenever she has been upset, she has filed a complaint and left a paper trail. We have compiled a list of her most outrageous grievances over her lifetime*:
Fisher v. Oak Pines Basketball
The plaintiff asserts that she was not chosen for her middle school basketball team based solely on the fact that she could not put the ball in the basket. Although she also demonstrates no ability to rebound or pass the ball, she feels that the other students who were chosen for the team were selected only because they were taller than she is, could jump higher, run faster and had better hand-eye coordination.
The plaintiff also believes that the other women on the team have an unfair advantage simply because they have practiced playing basketball more than she has. She states that many of the students on the team are from underprivileged areas, so they had more hours to practice because they didn’t have the distraction of a backyard Olympic-sized swimming pool. The plaintiff asserts that it is unconstitutional for the coaching staff to consider trivial factors like talent, ability and hard work while ignoring consequential things like how blond her hair is and how the basketball uniforms complement her blue eyes.
Abby vs. Mark
This was not a court case. Instead it was tried inside the court of public opinion, among her friends and family. In 2012 Mark Lancer broke up with Abby Fisher and began dating Jennifer Darling. The following is an excerpt from a letter Fisher wrote to Lancer after their breakup:
How dare you break up with me to go out with that tramp! I hate you! I hate you because you’re not treating me like the princess I am! There is NOTHING about that b—ch that is better than me! She may have bigger breasts, a prettier face and a nicer body, but she will NOT make you happier than I did. Just because she is one of the smartest girls at school and always has a pleasant demeanor means nothing, because she is a loser!
I know you’re probably still mad because I broke down crying and refused to get in the car with you before the prom, but I CLEARLY said that I would not arrive at the prom in anything less than a STRETCH Hummer limousine, and you arrived at my house in a regular sized Hummer. I refuse to arrive at the prom in a regular SUV like a savage. Who does that?
You know what, Mark? If you want to date a girl just because she’s prettier than I am, smarter than I am and nicer than I am, then GO AHEAD! I bet she doesn’t have an Olympic-sized swimming pool!
People’s Court: The Case of the Privileged Tenant
This is Laura. Laura says she leased an apartment to Abigail in May. She claims Abigail never paid rent. She is suing Abigail for $6,200 for back rent.
This Is Abigail. Abigail said she took the apartment sight unseen, but when she moved in, she knew that she wouldn’t have to pay rent because no human being would be expected to live in this kind of inhumane squalor. Abigail says that she assumed the floors would either be cultured marble or—at the very least—granite. She claims no real landlord would take money from someone who had to walk around on beige carpet in a home without a 17th-century claw-foot bathtub. Abby says she searched the apartment for days looking for the door that leads to the wine cellar but never found one, and—most importantly—she found the residence inadequate when she discovered that the pool was not Olympic-sized. She thinks the building should be condemned for this alone.
Abby is countersuing for $293 million for emotional pain and suffering.
From the Employee Performance Review of Abigail Fisher
Employee began working as a secretary at this law firm six weeks ago. She is neither a very bright nor a consistent worker, but she nominated herself for Employee of the Year. She constantly reminds the other employees that her father started this firm and she can have them fired.
Last week she applied for the position of senior partner even though she hasn’t taken the bar exam and doesn’t have a law degree. She informed the interviewing committee that those requirements are unfair barriers to the position and that she was going to speak to the people in human resources about discrimination. She actually filled out a complaint form, but it hasn’t gone any further because no one in the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission office could read what she wrote. All they could decipher was something about an Olympic-sized swimming pool.
Abby v. Pizza Kings
The following is a transcript of a 911 call from the home of Abigail Fisher:
Operator: 911, how may I help you.
Abby: Yes, I’d like the police to come to my house.
Operator: Yes, ma’am. What seems to be the problem?
Abby: Yes, I ordered a pizza from Pizza Kings and they got my order entirely wrong.
Operator: Excuse me?
Abby: Yes, I want you to come arrest the delivery person.
Operator: Ma'am, this is not an emergency, then—
Abby: Not an emergency! I’ll have you know I was very hungry after doing laps in the pool (did I mention it was Olympic-sized?) so I told the maid to tell the nanny to call Pizza Kings and order a pizza. I clearly told the maid to tell the nanny that I wanted a meat-lover’s pizza with extra cheese.
Operator: Ma’am, you’re going to have to settle this—
Abby: THEY GOT THE ORDER WRONG!!! Don’t you think that is an emergency, Miss 911?
Operator: Ma’am, my name is not Miss 911, and I—
Abby: First of all, they put sausage on my pizza.
Delivery boy (in background): Sausage comes on a meat-lover’s …
Abby: NOT ON MINE!!! I like meat. I’d even say I love meat. I’ve loved meat all my life. I like steaks. I like bologna. Don’t you think I am a meat lover?
Operator/Delivery boy: Yes…
Abby: But I don’t eat sausage! If this is a meat-lover’s pizza, and I don’t eat sausage, and I am a meat lover, THEN THE PIZZA IS WRONG! Plus, I asked for extra cheese.
Operator: Ma'am, I’m hanging up.
Delivery boy: But there is extra cheese on the pizza.
Abby: It’s not enough! It’s not how my nanny’s chef used to make it! You are shorting me on my cheese so I’m not going to pay.
Delivery Boy/Operator: Can we go now?
Abby: Not yet. I need to get your full names and addresses. I’m gonna sue you motherf—kers … just wait.
And there you have it, folks. Mediocrity at its finest.
*Clearly, these events never happened, but if you can sue the government, I wouldn't put it past anyone to sue Pizza Kings.