I believe in fairness. That’s why I would never stoop so low as to defame a member of the Ku Klux Klan or a Nazi. When I refer to Klansmen, I call them “micropenis fuckwad cowards,” as opposed to neo-Nazis, who are correctly referred to as “feebleminded gaping anuses.”
I also believe that instead of calling everyone a white supremacist, it is time we differentiated among the different kinds of douche nozzles that make up the community of racists in our great nation. Therefore, we offer you this handy guide so that you may become acquainted with the different sects of shit-for-brains that populate the American bigot landscape.
Although we like to think of the term as all-encompassing, what we think of as “alt-right” is really an umbrella created by the P.T. Barnum of racism, Richard Spencer, to describe myriad philosophies that fall under the big tent of racists. See, it’s all about branding.
Many of the people in the alt-right don’t consider themselves “white supremacists” (we will explain that term later), and some white supremacists don’t consider themselves “alt-right.”
If the alt-right were a family, the Ku Klux Klan, neo-Nazis and skinheads would be the grandparents, aunts and uncles who get their plates fixed first, while the anti-globalists, anti-feminists and “racialists” would sit at the kids’ table and have to drink out of paper cups.
The alternative right is composed of many disparate beliefs, but they are all united by one thing (aside from below-average IQ and penis length): They are all racists.
Prominent alt-righters: Tucker Carlson, Steve Bannon, people who use the word “cuck”
Identifying call: “Make America great again”
One of the greatest misconceptions is that all racist groups are white supremacist organizations. White supremacists are characterized by their belief that white people are superior. They believe all others are physically, mentally and morally weaker than the great Caucasian race. The concept of white supremacy is one of the oldest racist philosophies, which originated from their need to explain their need to rape, pillage and conquer the world.
They have constructed a web of conspiratorial plots involving the Jews, the new world order and traitorous whites who explain everything from why white people run so slow and jump so low to why unseasoned chicken tastes better. White supremacy gave birth to the Nazi Party, the KKK and “Can I touch your hair?”
Prominent white supremacists: Adolf Hitler, Fred Trump, Andrew Anglin, people who hate affirmative action
Identifying call: “White power!”
White nationalism is different from white supremacy in that white nationalists seek to maintain a white identity for America. While they don’t necessarily espouse the belief that white people are superior (many of them believe it, but they don’t say it), they contend that the United States of America is a white country founded by white people and should, therefore, remain white.
White nationalists believe in the purity of “Western culture” and “European values,” which created chattel slavery, genocide, colonialism, the Holocaust and crocs.
Of all the different kinds of racists, white nationalists have the most selective of memories. They completely forget the fact that the only reason America became an economic superpower is that it benefited from 250 years of free labor. They forget that they “built” this country by massacring the Native Americans. They also forget who created the music, culture, art, dance, economy, armed forces and entire culture they call “American.”
Prominent white nationalists: White House senior policy adviser Stephen Miller, Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa), most other guys named Steve
Identifying call: “My people built this country!”
Racialism is a particular strain of white supremacist belief. Unlike KKK members, racialists can often be found wearing suits and ties. They believe they are more intelligent than the swastika wearers and rest their beliefs in a brand of pseudoscience that cherry-picks IQ tests and crime statistics in their desire to state that blacks, Muslims and any nonwhite person are genetically inferior to Caucasians.
When racialists talk about crime, they leave out the part about 84 percent of white people being killed by white people. When they speak of IQ, they casually leave out the part that Asians consistently score higher than whites or that socioeconomic status is a better predictor of test scores than race.
Identifying call: “But what about black-on-black crime?”
If white nationalists had a baby with the blond, blue-eyed, ripped-abs Jesus, the resulting child would be the Christian Identity movement. Although it is seldom spoken of when the subject of extremism is discussed, the Christian Identity movement is a very large sect of white supremacy. Adherents believe that white people (usually the British) are the true children of Israel and that the Jews are a group of usurpers who control the world because they descended from Cain ... or the devil ... or some other nonsense you’d never guess a rational human being could believe.
While you might think this all sounds extreme, you would be surprised at the number of people who believe in this bullshit. In fact, almost all of the groups and individuals you hear about trying to kick off a race war adhere to some tenet of this faith, which says that Jesus won’t come back until his “kingdom” is prepared by a genocidal race war similar to the Islamic State group caliphate. Then, and only then, will our lord and savior Jesus Christ return to wipe the mongrel races from the face of the earth, and they can live in eternity with terrible music and shitty potato salad.
Prominent Christian Identitarians: Dylann Roof, members of a shitload of churches near you
Identifying call: “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of niggers, I will fear no evil.”
White separatists are different from white nationalists. While white nationalists would be OK with black people being in this country as long as they didn’t have to be around them, white separatists want an ethnic cleansing. They want their own whites-only utopia before Jesus comes.
People have tried it before. Randy Weaver tried it at Ruby Ridge. A man named Craig Cobb tried to buy two different towns, make them all-white and name one of them after Donald Trump. A group of alt-right “patriots” are trying to raise money to do something similar now. (Warning: If you want to move there, you must prove you know how to operate a handgun, shoot an AR-15 and pay a $32 application fee.)
Prominent white separatists: PayPal founder Peter Thiel, the entire country of apartheid South Africa, the cast of Friends
Identifying call: “Go back to ... ”
One of the newest philosophies in the world of racism is the belief in white genocide—the idea that there is an organized effort to wipe out white people by outbreeding them, race mixing, promoting diversity and generally not allowing white people to rule the world. White genocide is the most laughable form of white tears because white genociders believe that whiteness is superior while simultaneously acknowledging that nonwhite DNA will eventually erase Caucasians from the face of the earth.
For them, multiculturalism, interracial relationships and white people who like Beyoncé are all a form of warfare against the white man. This is the only philosophy in all of racism that makes any sense because eventually, white genociders will be eliminated from the face of the earth.
Prominent white genociders: Richard Spencer, Cersei Lannister, fathers of white daughters
Identifying call: “You’re dating who? Not in my house!”
These are the people who believe the Confederate flag is a symbol of their heritage and has nothing to do with racism. They believe that the Civil War was about “states’ rights” (and it was—a state’s right to allow the owning of slaves). Here is every conversation with a neo-Confederate:
Them: Why do you always talk about slavery? That was 150 years ago. You need to let go of the past. It was my ancestors, not me.
Us: So it’s OK if we take down the statue?
Them: Why would you want to erase history? We should never forget the past! You’re trying to erase my connection to my ancestors!
Prominent neo-Confederates: Kid Rock, the state of South Carolina, the state of Mississippi, the Dukes of Hazzard
Identifying call: “Heritage is not hate!”
Contrary to popular belief, “wypipo” is not a racist term; nor are all white people “wypipo.” Wypipo is a particular group of white people who might not espouse the racist beliefs of any of the above groups but are willing to wade in the privilege of them without expressing any condemnation. Wypipo are accessories to racism because their apathy and indifference are the main pillars on which white supremacy is built.
Wypipo won’t say “nigger,” but they won’t curse out a friend or relative when they say it in private. Wypipo will condemn Donald Trump for dog-whistling to white supremacists, but forget that they ignored that dog whistle when they were in the voting booth. Wypipo hate the very thought of racism, but the very reason racism exists is the apathy of wypipo.
Prominent wypipo: White people
Identifying call: “But not all white people!”