Once upon a time, there was a little kid who dreamed that one day, if he worked hard enough and focused on his goals, he could achieve things no one else thought were possible. So he pursued his dreams, allowing nothing to stand in his way. After years of hard work and determination, he realized...
Mediocre white dudes always win.
And that’s why he votes in the World Wypipo Tournament.
Mediocre white people have dominated this year’s tournament. All of the highest-seeded teams have fallen by the wayside, proving once again that black people have to work twice as hard. The highest remaining seed in the tourney is a 7. When was the last time you saw anyone celebrate the 7th-ranked black person in anything?
The remaining competitors have all reached the middle of their respective fields, which, when combined with white privilege, means they are at the top.
Here is the updated bracket:
Champion of the Police Callers: Michael “Father 911" Briese
On June 26, 2018, Father Michael Briese was officiating the funeral of Agnes Hicks when one of her relatives knocked over the gold-plated chalice from which the Catholic priest usually reserved for the Messiah’s blood. Briese became so angry about this that he called the police and told the Hicks family to “get the hell out” of the church.
On his journey to the feckless four, Briese defeated some of the most popular people in the tournament, including BBQ Becky, who became the mascot for white people who are not invited to the cookout and Nikki Yovino, who falsely accused two black men of raping her at a cookout. In an exclusive interview, Briese says if he wins the tournament, he will use his winnings to do the will of God and help make the world a better place for each and every human being...
Unless that human being knocks over Jesus’ Vampire Solo cup. In which case...
Champion of the Official White People: Mitch McConnell
Sure there are people more powerful than Mitch McConnell. But none of them have achieved what Mitch has in 2018. Despite the handicap of being born without a defined jawline, Mitch McConnell overcame a chin that is indistinguishable from his neck to become the majority leader of the U.S. Senate.
But this is not why Mitch McConnell made it this far. It is this:
There is no greater example of wypipo than Mitch McConnell. He stands at the helm of the U.S. Senate, arguably the most powerful group of men in the world. For years, Republicans have tried to eliminate any evidence of their dog-whistle politics and convince people that they aren’t the party of racism.
But after Donald Trump took office, Mitch faced a choice. He could either:
- Support Donald Trump’s white supremacist agenda in complicit silence or tepid approval, which offered no upside aside from maintaining power, or:
- Reject the virulent racism, uphold conservative principles and be the sane voice in the room, even if it meant being the target of Trump’s ire.
The fact that McConnell chose the easy path, the path of maintaining white supremacy, the path of sacrificing his party, his own legacy and the well-being of the entire country for the sake of power and control, is peak wypipo.
Champion of Public Acts of Whiteness: Sean Hannity
Sean Hannity is a stand-in.
He represents Fox News’ propaganda programming galaxy populated by lesser stars. He is emblematic of the White Nationalist News Network’s constant refrain that introduces palatable alt-right propaganda to the masses as patriotism and self-preservation.
And Hannity is also Trump’s right-hand man. As the ratings giant at Fox News, he is also the pipeline from which flows the White House’s flip-flopping, white nationalist talking points. He is the Trump administration’s embedded mouthpiece. He is an enabler. He is a straight-faced, concerned-looking bullshitter of the highest degree.
Other Sean Hannitys include: Tucker Carlson, Laura Ingraham, Katrina Pierson, Joseph Goebbels, the people who say McDonald’s is “mmm-mmm good” and black preachers.
Champion of Groups/Organizations/Individuals: White Feminists
White feminists beat the NFL because football is filled with hypermasculinity and head trauma. It wasn’t the Colin Kaepernick thing because white feminists would’ve call the cops if anyone with an afro that large got within five feet of them.
White feminists beat the NRA and the Republican Party because in the quiet contemplative safe space of a voting booth, they will vote for a misogynist because ... well ... this is what you should know about white feminists:
They are, and have always been, on Team Wypipo.
White feminists secured their right to vote decades before the Voting Rights Act because they were not concerned about universal suffrage, they were concerned about voting rights for white women.
White feminism does not care about sexual assault or abuse. They use their privilege to stop the sexual assault or abuse of white women. Harvey Weinstein is in jail while R. Kelly is a free man and Clarence Thomas is on the Supreme Court. How many white feminists did you see on Twitter using the hashtag #BringBackOurGirls? How many white feminists have you seen catalog the deaths of trans women of color and queer women?
They are not in the tournament because they are white women. They are in this tournament because they are white women who benefit from white privilege, who proudly say they are fighting for freedom and equality...
But not really.
And that is wypipo in a nutshell.
Voting ends at 11:59 on Sunday, and Monday the two remaining competitors will face off in a live, televised championship battle.
Check your local listings.