white people
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‘I Can’t Be Racist Because My Best Friend Is Black and Lives in the Condo I Own’ Is the Whitest Thing I’ve Ever Heard This Week
As a professional observer, curator, interpreter, documentarian and even occasional appreciator of blatant and reckless acts of shameless whiteness, I’ve seen and read about enough types of aggressively white behavior now to last five lifetimes. Particularly in regard to racism (anti-blackness, specifically). I’m like an old and fat NBA point guard who’s able to stay…
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The Caucasian’s Guide to Halloween Costumes
Editor’s note: This article originally appeared in “White-People Quarterly.” For a subscription, please consult your local pumpkin-spice retailer. For years, brain scientists and education experts have searched for a way to make white people understand what not to wear to Halloween parties. In the 2016 annual secret Global White People’s Convention, a vote to issue…
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Please Stop Inviting Everybody to the Damn Cookout
Look, I know blackness is the gift that keeps on giving. I know how awesome we are, and can understand why sweet potato pie tops pumpkin pie, that we effortlessly create and inform pop culture, and why folks set aside their good sense and pride to get next to us or be like us. And…
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55 Percent of White Americans Believe Whites Face Racial Discrimination, Which Means 55 Percent of White Americans Are Really Stupid!
As Halloween nears, I’m reminded of the time 20 or so years ago when my then-7-year-old nephew spent the entire year talking about Halloween. How much candy he was going to get, how great his costume was going to be, how many houses he was going to hit—he was an unceasing stream of Halloween-related predictions,…
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Bloomberg’s Megan McArdle Can’t Tell Me Shit About White Supremacy
Here’s a joke: Q: What did the Nazi say to the segregationist? A: You’re doing a great job over there. While that joke may not make you burst at the seams in laughter (I admit that I haven’t properly cultivated my cache of Nazi material), it raises an interesting question: Are there varying degrees of…
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Candyman, the Scariest ‘Leave Them Damn White Girls Alone’ Movie Ever, Is 25 Years Old This Week
I can’t believe it’s been 25 years. Candyman was released on Oct. 16, 1992, but I remember it like it was yesterday because I couldn’t look in a reflective surface for a week after first seeing this film. To be honest, it took me over a year before I was able to enter the bathroom…
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Stephen Miller Somehow Only Being 32 (!!!) Is More Proof That Terrible White People Age Like Day-Old Guacamole
The biggest revelation of the New York Times’ profile on White House Senior Policy Adviser Stephen Miller isn’t that he’s a raging and festering asshole, or a rogue sheet of single-ply toilet paper caught in Jeff Sessions’ belt after he shits on single mothers. Naturally, the Times piece reiterates Miller’s abject awfulness with stories like…
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We Need to Have a Conversation About White People
In the 241 years of America’s existence, we have purposely ignored the important topic that lingers over this country’s constant pursuit of happiness. Until we can come to grips with this pressing dilemma and confront it head-on, we can never hope for peace, justice and equality. For too long we have allowed ourselves to look…
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No One Has Ever Been or Will Ever Be Whiter Than Christopher Columbus: The Whitest White Man Ever
There’s a 30- to 40-mile-long stretch on the Great Allegheny Passage—a 150-mile bike trail stretching from Pittsburgh to Cumberland, Md.—where you’re pedaling through nothing but woods. No landmarks, no cities and no sign of civilization other than the trail itself, the mile markers reminding you how much farther you need to go before you can…
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5 Ways White People Can Fight White Supremacy
Contrary to popular belief, not every piece of correspondence received by writers at The Root begins with “You’re the racist” or “Not all white people … ” For every piece of hate mail received by black writers who discuss race and racism in America, there are as many from white people who contact us with…