white people
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I Don’t Trust White People in ‘Black’ Spaces. I Don’t Call the Cops on Them, but Perhaps I Should
Back when I was a high school English teacher, I had a white female colleague (“Katie”) who not only dated black men but was also one of those white women who exclusively date black men and let everyone know that they only date black men whatever chance they get. Example: “Hey, were you able to download…
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Dear White People: Please Stop Doing Silly Racist Shit. Discovering New Things to Boycott Is Exhausting
As is the case with many people who work remotely, I spend a considerable amount of time in coffee shops and cafés. I am in one now, actually, and I am currently eating Brussels spouts because they’re healthy and tasty and because the managers at said shop are so impressed with my luscious beard that…
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Why We Don’t Trust White People’s Potato Salad, Explained
Are you going to ask a question? Because right now you’re just stating facts. Which I appreciate—yay, facts! I just want to know if there’s a question there. Ah. Well, before I answer, I want us all to take some time to watch and appreciate that skit again. Also, just to let you know that…
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How to Make White People Uncomfortable
1. Be black. 2. Be not white. 3. Be not white and not American. 4. Tell the truth. 5. Cite facts. 6. Talk about the past. 7. Talk about the present day. 8. Talk about the future. 9. Say things like “Hi” and “Excuse me” and “Perhaps, if I were so inclined, I’d meet you…
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Mark Zuckerberg Is a Grown-Ass (White) Man, so Stop Talking About Him Like He’s a Kid
Admittedly, when juxtaposed against the assemblage of 934-year-old white men who make up the Senate, Mark Zuckerberg’s relative youth is conspicuous, as it would also be if he were in a room with a troop of vampires, or perhaps the exhumed and propped-up bodies of Genghis Khan and—I don’t know—a fucking velociraptor. “Wow,” I would…
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US Cabinet Members, America’s Least Christian White People, Have a Regular Bible-Study Group
I grew up in a Christian household. Both of my parents were raised Baptist, and they raised me as one, but I wouldn’t quite say that we were practicing. We didn’t go to church very often, and we mostly just prayed before eating and while hoping that the Pirates would win the pennant. And while…
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20 Words and Phrases White People Just Ain’t Allowed to Say
We already know about nigga/nigger, but there are more! Really, no one—white, black, Kappa, etc.—should ever say “ghetto” again, ever. Nothing at all, now that you’ve said that. Is officially on the list because too many black people use “ninja” as a substitute for “nigga,” and all popular “nigga” substitutes are banned from white mouths.…
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10 Reasons the N-Word Is the Greatest Word in the English Language
1. Because “nigga” rhymes with a shitload of things, which comes in handy during freestyle rap cyphers at 3 a.m. at IHOP. 2. Because it can be any part of speech you want it to be—a noun (“Pass me that nigga”), a pronoun (“Pass me that nigga, nigga”), an adjective (“Pass me that nigga cheese,…
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What We Mean When We Call White People ‘Colonizers’
I’ve included references to East Liberty—a neighborhood in Pittsburgh’s East End—in pieces I’ve written for VSB, Ebony, Slate and GQ, and it’s peppered throughout my book. There’s an entire chapter, for instance, devoted to the changes it’s undergone in the past 20 years. I do this because it’s where I spent many of my formative…
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How Racist Would You Be if Black People Could Actually Be Racist?
One of the great disappointments in my life—perhaps the greatest disappointment, really—is that black people in America do not possess the ability to be racist. We can try our damnedest and hate our hardest, but because of the way racism works, we’ll never quite be able to wield the sought-after status of “racist.” Which, in…