white people
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No Points for Guessing: Woman Attacked by Jaguar After Hopping Zoo Barrier
See that scary-ass black cat? That’s not a dry seal or some kind of deceptively cuddly anime character. That’s a damn jaguar. Thanks to those among us who enjoy their potato salad as white as Dow Jones’ editorial staff, we’ve another predictable interaction between dangerous predatory animals and adventurous white folks. Animals, who jumped out…
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The Definitive List of Get-Out-of-Racism Free Cards
Last night, during a run, I looked up and enjoyed the view. The stars sparkled against the backdrop of the cloudless indigo night sky, allowing me to easily identify the Big Dipper and Orion’s Belt. According to white people, I am now an astronomer. Although I have resisted applying for Neil Degrasse-Tyson’s job, people who…
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What It Means When White People Call You Racist
The angriest I’ve ever been was when my cousin failed to show up after promising to give me a haircut on the day of my senior prom. Coming in at a close second is the day I gave Gray Segal (not his real name, but close) a black eye. Gray and I had gym together…
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White People Are Getting Whiter
I recently decided to buy a new brand of mouthwash. Not because of any breath odor deficiencies that I’m aware of, but because it said on the bottle that it also made teeth whiter and I’m grown and I already get salmon with my side salads so why not splurge for the nuclear mouthwash too?…
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All-White Wisconsin GOP Decide Colin Kaepernick Is 'Too Controversial' to be Included in Black Caucus' Resolution to Honor Black History Month
A group of white Wisconsin Republicans have decided that former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick was too controversial to be included in a resolution to recognize Black History Month, so they took him off a list of influential black leaders. As the story goes, the legislature’s black caucus had proposed a resolution honoring black leaders. The…
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Sounds About White: Colonizer 'Artist' Gentrifies African Desert With Whitest Song Ever
One day in the not-too-distant future, when the nearest star to our galaxy suddenly collapses, a group of astrophysicists from around the globe will convene to discuss the theoretical physics of the interplanetary incident. One of these researchers, we shall call him Chadwick, will bravely step forward and propose a manned space flight to examine…
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Maybe We Should Stop Wishing We Could Do What the Worst White People Do
Although black people wanting to get away with the things that white people seem to be able to do will always leave a bitter taste, I’d get it if the black people who do/did this sort of thing were a tad more ambitious. I’d be inclined to grant their whataboutisms more sympathy if they made…
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Crazy White People News Roundup: Swords, Shafts and Becky With the Bad Attitude
Every so often, for the sake of equal time, we find it useful to take our focus off of the negro-related news and see what white people have been up to, lately. To be fair, it is partly out of jealousy and envy. I often wonder why there is no equivalent to WorldStarHipHop that just…
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The 2019 List of Things Black People Are Too Ashamed to Talk About
You’ve seen them before. They are your friends, neighbors and coworkers. They lurk in the shadows bouncing back and forth on the balls of their feet like a skilled double-dutch dancer ready to hop between the twirling ropes and derail any conversation about race, police brutality, politics, or white supremacy. They are opinionated, they are…