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Where Is Kansas City? Bernie Sanders Is a Communist! All the Ways Trump Tried to Put Raisins Into the Super Bowl
Around 10:15 p.m. EST on Sunday, with Super Bowl LIV all but over, Nordic Bastardwitch, the 13-year-old Trump staffer who polices Trump’s tweets, was settling into his bed, having already agreed with the president—who was openly sobbing—that the last tweet was going to be sent to San Francisco 49er Nick Bosa and it was just…
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Ex-National Security Adviser John Bolton Can’t Testify, But He Sure Knows How to Promote a Book
President Donald Trump began his Monday the way he always does: He ate the remains of a baby goat that was leftover from the weekend, slogged around the White House looking for his pig’s blood and cilantro smoothie and then locked himself in his private bathroom where he rage tweeted about ex-national security adviser John…
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What Da Fuq Is a 409K? Trump Seems to Know
In an attempt to brag on himself once again, President Trump may have hipped us to an exclusive financial plan only allowed to the top one percent. On Thursday, the president tweeted out that the stock market is on the rise and to prove it, he wanted everyone to check their 409Ks! “STOCK MARKET AT…
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After Christianity Today Slams Trump, the President Attacks Entertainment Tonight
The only way that President Trump knows his ass from his hand is because South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham and Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz aren’t crammed up his arm. Other than that, the odds are pretty low that, at any given moment, the president has any fucking clue what’s going on. So on Friday, the…
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Kellyanne Conway’s Husband Has a Brutal Nickname for Trump and It’s Perfect
I don’t spend time thinking much about counselor to the president Kellyanne Conway and her husband George Conway’s relationship but whenever I do, I have a few thoughts: How long has Kellyanne been part of the undead? How does George list Kellyanne on their taxes and can you file jointly if one person is dead?…
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First Rocky, Now Thanos: We Are Being Governed by Evil Richie Rich
For those that don’t know, or aren’t old enough to remember, Richie Rich was a little white kid whose parents were so rich that by default he became the richest kid in America. Sadly, the president of the United States, in his stunted developmental growth is basically the evil version of the 1953 character who…
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Trump Big Mad at Girlfriend Fox News for Cheating on Him
The public fuss-fight between President Trump and his personal YouTube channel Fox News took another turn Sunday when the leader of the free world tweeted that he knows that they’re cheating on him and he’s tired of it. “Don’t get why @FoxNews puts losers on like @RepSwalwell (who got ZERO as presidential candidate before quitting),…
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Kamala Harris Shuts Door on Presidency and Dunks on the President on Her Way Out
On Tuesday, Sen. Kamala Harris announced that she was ending her presidential campaign, but because Trump knows nothing about an AKA’s ability to clap back—or how to do anything with grace—he sarcastically tweeted, “Too bad. We will miss you Kamala!” Apparently, no one told the president that Kamala had already obtained three clapback infinity stones…
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Trump Bashes Beto's 'Phony' Hispanic Nickname Before Visit to El Paso
Before heading off to El Paso, Texas, where a white boy trumped up by divisive language from the highest office in the land took the lives of 22 people and injured dozens more, President Racist Thanos found time to send out one more hateful tweet. “Beto (phony name to indicate Hispanic heritage) O’Rourke, who is…
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Warped Flip-Flop Tomi Lahren Apologizes for Tweeting Sen. Kamala Harris Slept Her Way to the Top
Tomi Lahren, America’s unwashable mayonnaise stain and host of some shitty show on Fox News, couldn’t stand watching California Sen. Kamala Harris on stage. It messed with all of her sensibilities. It ruined her spidey senses. So what did America’s most dog chewed pair of Keds do? Well, she went on Twitter and struck the…