trump
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Trump to Migrant Parents Whose Children Were Taken at the Border: Let the ACLU Find Your Family
Despite the fact that the Trump administration’s “zero tolerance policy” is the reason that migrant parents were forcibly separated from their children at the border, the Department of Justice doesn’t believe that they should be responsible for reuniting the families they tore apart. On Thursday, the Trump administration told a federal judge that the American…
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Sarah Huckabee Sanders Tweets That Dems Suffer From 'Trump Derangement Syndrome.' It Didn't End Well
White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, aka Suckabee, aka Aunt Lydia, aka the Devil’s Mouthpiece, took to Twitter to shame people who don’t support the president because that’s how the Trump administration uses social media. On Wednesday around the time that Suckabee should have been basting herself in cod oil and closing the lid…
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Trump Doesn't Understand How Buying Groceries Works
Either President Trump is preparing us for the dystopian future after our world war with longtime enemy Canada, or he’s never purchased groceries in his life, or he’s just a lying-ass liar who will say anything to drive home his point to his mindless followers. During a rally in one of those places where corn…
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Change in the Company Line: Trump Echoes Giuliani's Claim That Collusion With Russia Is Not a Crime
The sun had barely risen on the East Coast, on Tuesday, before the president got his hands on his phone to tweet the same words that just came out of Rudy Giuliani’s mouth: “Collusion is not a crime, but that doesn’t matter because there was No Collusion …” See, on Monday, Giuliani was doing one…
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Old White Men Beef: Trump to Koch Brothers: I Made Them Richer … I Don't Need Their Money or Bad Ideas
President Trump is falling out of favor of Republicans who don’t believe that camouflage is a formal attire. After learning that the villainous Koch brothers held a “retreat” (which was really a secret gathering in a lair) in Colorado Springs, Colo., in which the heavy hitting conservative donors bagged portions of Trump’s presidency, Trump railed…
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Attorney General Jeff Sessions Just Launched an *Insert Racist Dog Whistle* Christian Task Force
On Monday, U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions, the biggest elf to ever do it, just created a “religious liberty task force,” which sounds like a villainous superhero group that gets real close to you and asks if you know Jesus. Seriously, though, the task force sounds great if it were put in place to stop…
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Smells Like Tea: Stormy Daniels Just Launched a New Perfume. It's Called 'Truth'
It may not be the “Complicit” fragrance we were expecting from Ivanka Trump, but we hear it smells a hell of a lot better. Adult entertainer and Donald Trump accuser Stormy Daniels just launched her own fragrance, appropriately named “Truth.” Described as a “beautiful, gender-neutral, pheromone infused cologne/perfume created for all,” Truth is made by…
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End of Days: White House Issues Official Statement and Spells 'United States' Wrong
The treasonous White House is at it again. Normally when they issue an official statement regarding American interests, they have someone who reads over the document to sub out the word “Russia” and replaces it with “United States.” Well, it’s Friday, so that person must already be checked out because the White House just issued…
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President Trump Is Rage-Tweeting and Big Mad That Robert Mueller Is About to Be All Up in His Tweets
It’s Friday, so you know that means that the president of people who buy hotdogs at gas stations is rage-tweeting again. First, he targeted his former lawyer and personal fixer Michael Cohen’s claims that he knew of the 2016 meeting his dumb son, Donald Jr., aka Not-Ivanka, had with a Russian operative who promised dirt…
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Lawyer Michael Avenatti Claims 3 More Women Were Paid to Keep Quiet About Donald Trump: Report
Michael Avenatti, the attorney for Stormy Daniels—you know, the porn star who claims to have spanked the president’s bare, unseasoned ass with a rolled Forbes magazine—dropped a bombshell during a panel Thursday evening. During the panel, Avenatti stood up to note that he was in the process of getting clearance from three women who were…