theory & essay
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Halloween Is the Worst Fucking Day of the Year
From whichever day happened to be the day after Halloween in 1996 to whichever day happened to be the day before Halloween in 1997, my then six-year-old nephew obsessed — daily! — about who and what he was going to be for Halloween. He’d wake me up at 3:17am (we shared a bedroom) to say he…
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An Investigation: Are Donald Trump And Al Sharpton Really The Exact Same Person?
After hundreds of interviews, thousands of hours of exhaustive research and an illegal DNA test performed by genetic scientists at the laboratories abandoned by The Ricki Lake show in the late 90’s, I’ve concluded that there is a significant statistical probability that: Donald Trump is probably Al Sharpton. The origin of this investigation began in one…
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The Game's "The Documentary 2" Is The Album I Wish Kendrick Lamar Would Have Released
I know that sounds absurd. But follow me. Kendrick Lamar dropped a seminal work in To Pimp A Butterfly, a work so full of Blackness and filled with so many musical styles and elements that even if you don’t love it you have to appreciate and respect his ability to articulate his worldview in his…
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I Don't Want Kids, But I Do Want You To Stop Asking Me Why I Don't Have Kids
Apparently, I’m a do nothin’ bitch because I’m pushing 35 and haven’t fulfilled my womanly obligation to have kids. That’s right, I have zero desire to populate the earth, and it seems at least 68% of the people I know have an issue with this. Sadly, a portion of this demographic includes individuals who share…
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Exactly How Dead Would Luke Gatti (The Bacon Jalapeno Mac And Cheese Kid) Be If He Was Black?
As many of you are likely already aware of, University of Connecticut student Luke Gatti recently became internet famous for a video featuring him drunkenly screaming at, insulting, assaulting, and spitting on a campus cafeteria manager who wouldn’t allow Gatti to enter the cafeteria to eat some bacon jalapeno mac and cheese. A couple days ago, Gatti…
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Raven-Symone Is Full Of Shit Because Someone Named "Watermelondrea" Would DEFINITELY Get Hired
By now, I’m sure most of you are aware of the comments Raven-Symone made last week on The View in reference to “Black-sounding” names. And, I’m also sure most of you are aware of the swift pushback she received. One, for gleefully admitting that she, a Black person, would willfully discriminate against Black-sounding names. And…
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A Question About Friendships, Obligations, And Moderate Levels Of Aintshitness
We’ve all heard the story before. Boy meets Girl at 13th annual Delta Sigma Theta kickball cookout and soft-boiled egg eating contest; an event where all the proceeds go towards finding a cure for clit gout. Because #allclitsmatter. Girl is intrigued by Boy’s use of “disabuse” and “Caucasian motherfuckers” in the same sentence, and Girl favors Richelle…
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The Best Argument For Why Morehouse And HBCUs Matter You'll Ever Read
One of my good friends from college is a teacher in Chicago. One particular student of hers has begun the college search and in her attempts to convince him to attend Morehouse College, or at least an HBCU, she reached out to myself, and three of my best friends – all of us Morehouse College…