sports
-
Who Causes More White Tears: Cam Newton Or Serena Williams?
As mentioned here numerous times before, Serena Williams’s entire career has been a prolonged troll for White Tears. From the moment the Williams sisters emerged from Compton and disrupted the tennis world’s effete and bourgeois establishment, White Tears have trailed her the way breadcrumbs trailed Hansel and Gretel. They’re shed when she wins, when she receives awards, when…
-
I Don't Want My Son To Play Football.
The movie Concussion, starring Will Smith and his odd African accent, opens on Christmas Day this year. It’s a movie about a forensic pathologist, Dr. Bennett Omalu, who came to odds with the National Football League (NFL) over his research and study into chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE), which can be the end result of one…
-
How Many Buckets Of White Tears Were Used To Write That Letter From The Tennessee Mom To Cam Newton?
To fully grasp the depths of the ridiculousness of that ridiculous Tennessee mother’s ridiculous open letter to Cam Newton, you should be aware that this act was ridiculous in both a micro and a macro sense. It’s ridiculousness was Darth. Pervasive. Amorphous. A ridiculous soufflé stuffed in a ridiculous turducken. Levels on levels on levels of…
-
The University Of Missouri Football Boycott Is The Biggest American Protest Of The 21st Century
I wasn’t alive in the 50s and 60s and 70s when mass boycotts to protest racial injustice was more commonplace and more infused with our national cultural zeitgeist. I, like most of you, am very aware of the Montgomery Bus Boycott and other, less publicized, boycotts (like the New Orleans citizens boycott). But, again, reading about the…
-
The Second Dumbest Reason People Give For Hating NBA Basketball
At the moment, the New England Patriots, partially fueled by a gaggle of sociopathic self-righteousness after being “vindicated” by Deflategate, are undefeated and would seem to be the early favorites to win the Super Bowl. This information should come to no surprise to anyone who’s even a casual fan of the NFL. Because that exact…
-
Since Drake Is Serena's Bad Luck Charm, Can He Please Do The Same With The New England Patriots?
Since the turn of the century, the New England Patriots have dominated the NFL. Granted, three other franchises (The New York Giants, The Pittsburgh Steelers, and The Baltimore Ravens) have each one two titles in that span, but no other team has been as good for as long. The Patriots are also the organizational equivalent of clitoris…
-
Roger Goodell Is A Turducken Of Shitty
In one of the emails in Deadspin’s Funbag this week, someone brought up a wacky teacher who’d give students 95s on multiple choice tests if they got every answer wrong. Get one or two right, though, and you’d get your real grade. Obviously, the implied rationale is that if you’re able to intentionally get every answer wrong, you…
-
Black People Don't Hate Dogs. We Just Hate When Their Lives Are Valued More Than Ours
My Pittsburgh Steelers are apparently courting Michael Vick to become their new back up QB. There are several reasons to be for (i.e.: the Steelers haven’t had a back up QB with an actual pulse since Charlie Batch) or against (i.e.: Michael Vick is the same age as “Rapper’s Delight”) this move. (For the record, I’m for…
-
Serena Breaks The Internet. And Hearts. And Your Bitch Ass Too If You Don't Come Correct
They say a picture says a thousand words. But whoever “they” are have obviously never seen Serena Williams do a split on some makeshift uneven bars for an NY Mag profile; looking like and being every. damn. thing. at the exact same time. Because if “they” saw that, “they” would know some pictures only say one word. And…