nba finals
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10 Still-Angry Observations From an NBA Finals Game 1 That Made Me Want to Break Things and Fight People
1. Jordan Clarkson hoops like how the screen would look in the ’90s when you tried watching porn on a pay-per-view channel you didn’t order. 2. I don’t know when exactly the Golden State Warriors became so fucking insufferable, but during Game 1, I realized that I hate them as much as I hate the…
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How Sen. Ted Cruz Cursed the Houston Rockets and Kept Them Out of the NBA Finals
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas), aka “Grown-Up Eddie Munster,” posted a photo of himself at the Toyota Center on Monday night, where the Houston Rockets were set to take on the Golden State Warriors, and all Rockets fans knew it was downhill from there. After Cruz’s photo was posted to Twitter, Houston Rockets fans jumped in…
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The NBA Finals Are Just a Contest to See Who Wins the Chance to Refuse Trump’s White House Invitation
Perhaps if the Boston Celtics had beaten the Cleveland Cavs or if the Houston Rockets hadn’t morphed into rancid Twizzlers in the second half Monday night, we’d have a more competitive NBA Finals ahead of us. I don’t believe the Celtics could have beaten the Golden State Warriors, but they have enough long, bouncy and…
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30 Reasons Why Your Favorite Team Won’t Win the NBA Finals This Year
The NBA—the best professional sports league in the history of history—is back Tuesday night, with 30 teams all vying to be the one that wins the last game of the season. Here’s why none of them will. 30. Chicago Bulls Because I triple-dog dare you to name five people on their team without Googling the…
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Golden State Warriors Win 2017 NBA Finals, Beat Cleveland Cavaliers 129-120 in Game 5
All those jokes about the Golden State Warriors blowing a 3-1 series lead to lose the 2016 championship can come to an end now. In a most beautiful and poetic finish, the Warriors, who came into Monday night’s game leading the NBA Finals series 3-1, pulled off a flawless victory and won the game with…
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WTF Was Up With Dwyane Wade’s Dewy Hair and Outfit?
Gabrielle, you gotta come and get your man. Because Dwyane Wade looked how his name is spelled during Game 4 of the NBA Finals, couched between ESPN sportscaster Stephen A. Smith and former player Shaquille O’Neal. Why you let him leave the house like that, Gabby?! With a dewy S Curl in “ginger rose”; a…
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Audio: LeBron James and Kevin Durant Rap Leaked, and It Doesn’t Sound Horrible
In 2011, Kevin Durant and LeBron James weren’t bitter rivals—in fact, I doubt they are now, but they are currently competing against each other for world domination in the NBA Finals—and they secretly collaborated on a rap that doesn’t appear to be half bad. They’re both huge rap fans; in fact, King James is rumored…
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Lebron James May Or May Not Be A Better Basketball Player Than Michael Jordan, But He's A Better Man
It’s apropos that Lebron James, the greatest basketball player of the 21st century, has made (and will continue to make) the debate about whether he or Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player ever a valid and relevant one with his most underrated characteristics: his stamina and consistency. There has not been an NBA season since 2003 where…
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Cavaliers vs. Warriors 3: LeBron May Not Catch Jordan, but He’s Better Than Kobe
I have no idea who’s going to win the NBA Finals. I don’t even know if part 3 of the Warriors-vs.-Cavaliers trilogy is going to be any good. For every Dark Knight, Bourne Identity or Iron Man trilogy, there’s an Austin Powers or Star Wars prequel trilogy. What I do know is this: No matter…
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10 Things You Can Say About LeBron if You Still Want to Hate Him but Have Run Out of Things to Say
So, after LeBron James returned to Cleveland and delivered a championship to a city that hasn’t seen one since the Paleolithic era, and did this while … beating the team that just completed the best regular season in NBA history; coming back from a 3-1 deficit (something that has never been done before in the…