covid-19
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Tennessee Titans Face 'Significant Punishment' for Violating COVID-19 Protocols by Holding Secret Practice
What in the hell is going on with the Tennessee Titans? When last we left them, a grand total of 22 players and staff members had tested positive for the coronavirus since September 24. But since Donald Trump continues to apparently meander around their facilities without a mask, that number continues to defy logic and…
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Trump Won’t Do Virtual Debate, Wants to Take His Coronavirus on the Road Instead
President Trump wants to yell at Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden in person or he doesn’t want to yell at all. On Thursday, the organizing commission of the debates announced that in order to protect Biden from getting the president’s coronavirus—which the president claims is gone and healed, because God—they wanted to move the debates…
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I'm Rooting for the Coronavirus
I remember Michael Harriot. Yesterday would have been his birthday. He was a human being. Before his untimely demise, Michael spent most of his time doing things like inhaling oxygen, exhaling carbon dioxide, and figuring out why people consume candy corn in a world where Skittles, Starburst and Now & Laters exist. Michael even believed…
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Trump: Stimulus Talks Are Off Unless I Win! Also Trump: My Bad, Stimulus Talks are Back On
President Quid Pro Quo tried to hold America’s stimulus checks hostage because he’s a master negotiator, and by “master,” I mean mafia. The stable genius, who was quite possibly hopped up on COVID-19 medication, went on a full “Get off my lawn” Twitter-rant that called for the end of stimulus negotiations in Congress until he…
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Cam Newton Delivers Words of Wisdom After Stephon Gilmore, More NFL Players Test Positive for Coronavirus: 'Wear Your Mask'
On the same day we learned that All-Pro cornerback Stephon Gilmore tested positive for the coronavirus—the third Patriots player to do so—comes the news that two more Tennessee Titans players have tested positive too, bringing the team’s grand total to an inexplicable 22 players and staff members since September 24. ESPN reports that after the…
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Mike Pence Objected to the Plexiglass for Tonight's Debate. Now He’s Fine With It. Could It Have Anything to Do With Stephen Miller Testing Positive for Coronavirus?
White America’s Vice President Mike Pence knows that he’s in trouble. On Wednesday night, he has to sit across from a debate pitbull and explain all of the things that his administration has ruined—the handling of the coronavirus, the economy, the failure to reach a news stimulus deal, unemployment, the connection between the Popeyes chicken…
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NFL Will Implement Video Monitoring to Ensure Coaches and Players Are Following Coronavirus Protocols
After two games were postponed as a result of players contracting COVID-19, the NFL has announced new protocols to combat the spread of the virus. According to CNN, one of those new protocols is the implementation of a video monitoring system in training facilities. The league explained that the video monitoring system is to ensure…
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We Need to Talk About the White-on-White Virus In the Republican Community
This weekend, I watched in horror as members of the white community took to the streets in support of another so-called “victim” of COVID-19. While our beloved Constitution guarantees us the freedom of speech, it’s time we said something about these dangerous members of antifa (The anti-facemask movement) running wild in our streets. Politico reports::…
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‘Don’t Be Like the President’: Trey Songz Confirms He Tested Positive for Coronavirus, Vows to Take Diagnosis Seriously
R&B Singer Trey Songz is the latest celebrity to test positive for the coronavirus, warning fans and supporters on Monday to continue taking precautionary measures to prevent the spread of the novel virus. Songz, née Tremaine Neverson, announced his diagnosis via Instagram Monday, saying he had been taking tests regularly on account of attending protests…
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Trashcan Lannister Attempts to Dunk on Joe Biden While Nation Anxiously Waits for Her to Get COVID-19 Too
Early this morning, backslid humanoid Termite Listeriosis emerged from her deep slumber on a dumpster in an outhouse adjoined to a Barbie Dream Trap House to remind the world that a) she still exists and b) probably shouldn’t. Decades from now, when Torrential Laceration’s brain is devoted to science, perhaps we’ll finally understand the psychosis…