ABC: Face Transplant Patient Doing Well; No Longer Responds to "Michael Steele"
BBC: Obama to Lift Cuba Restrictions; Lovers of Freedom Hate This, Not Sure Why
CK: Watch the White House Easter Egg Roll; No, It's Not a Dance
WP: An Early Military Win for Obama; Next Stop: China
WSJ: The Ice Man Speaketh: 'Everyone Should Pay Income Taxes'
NYT: White Woman Marries Colored, Has Baby; Under Duress Develops Racial Self-Awareness
WP: Realizing They're Fighting Somali Pirates, Navy Rescues Captain, Ask If He Likes Fishsticks
MW: GM Preparing for Possible Bankcruptcy (As Opposed to What We Don't Know)
WSJ: Thank You America, Can We Have Another?! Oil Industry Braces for Drop in Gas Demand
Reuters: China's Economy Improves, Japan's Doesn't; Japan Wishes It Was Opposite Day
NYT:Bo Knows the White House: First Family Finds Fido, Pooch Escapes Recession's Pinch*
NYT: Black Voters Dissatisfied with Gov. Paterson; Say to Friends, Colleagues "That's Your Boy"
PI: A Cutting Edge Concept: Obama's Influence Culture in Several Ways, Like Clothing For Example
ESPN: Bucs Sign Leftwich to 4-Year Deal; Team Execs Swear They've Seen Him Play
CNN: Shelter Offers Free Weddings for Homeless; Happy Couples Register at the Supermarket
*You Care Little, We're About the Same
NYT: Obama on Economy: Pain Now, Gain Later
Reuters: Pirates: Still Feeling Froggy, Still Jackin' Ships (Not US Ships, But Still)
CSM: For N. Korea, Sanctions Hold Little Sway Because…Well…Come On Man, It's the UN
AP: Blago Gets Indicted, Pleads "Dude, I Didn't Do It"
WP: Number of Babies Born to Illegals Grows, But You're Not Paying for That (Right?)
WP: FIU Ethers Own Hoop Program, Hire Isaiah Thomas to Coach
BB: Retail Sales Drop Unexpectedly in March, Analysts Fear Recession May Be Afoot
MSNBC: Mel Gibson's Wife Might Take Him to Cleaners in Divorce; Jesus Says, "Can't Help Ya Bro"
LAT: Phil Spector Gets Got; To Get Acquainted with Wall of Bars
WP: Goldman Posts Profit, Moves to Repay Rescue Money (No; You Aren't Dead)
MST: Stewart Smalley Saves Minnesota! Franken Wins U.S. Senate Seat
CNN: Poll: Obama Not Making US Less Safe; Just Ask Those Somali Chaps
AJE: Pirates Vow Revenge on US; SEAL Sniper: "My Finger Ain't Tired"
BBC: UN Condemns N. Korea Launch, Threaten to Show Up in Blue Helmets and Do Nothing
Forbes: Blacks Less Likely to Get Optimal Lung Cancer Treatment Along With Optimal Anything Else
USAT: We Hear Cleveland Is Lovely This Time of Year: The LeBrons Clinch Home Court Advantage
GN: French Forces Capture 11 Pirates; Pirates Basically Ashamed
BB: Economy Sees Consumer Prices, Industrial Production Decline; Yup, We're Shocked Too
CNN: 'Robust Action' Could Curb Piracy; US Spells 'Robust' S-E-A-L-S
FOX: Accused Nazi Guard Unfit for Trial But Still In Better Shape Than People He Guarded
BBC: Right-Wing Groups 'Growing' in US Yet People Still Scoff at Palin's Chances in 2012
DMR: Blacks' Prison Disparity Grows in Iowa, Confusion Over Blacks in Iowa Period Does Same
Reuters: Having Seen The Godfather Part II, Travel Industry Cautious about Cuba
EW: Foxx Apologizes on Leno; The Root's Jimi Izrael Among Pleased Parties
AP: Number of Blacks in Major Leagues Rises; Prospect of Fresh Steroids Scapegoats Promising
ABC: Adam Lambert: America's First Gay Idol? We Mean 'Openly' Gay of Course
Reuters: Obama Set to Name "Border Czar," Swears He's 'Pretty Sure' They Did Their Taxes
CT: Blagojevich Hoping to Appear on Reality Show, Buzz Doesn't Bother with Punchline
EW: You Got to Be Stoppin' Somethin': Michael Jackson Auction Called Off
USAT: My Only Love Sprung from My Only Hate! Duke's Paulus May Become Wolverine QB
AJE: To the Gallows You Go: Members of Darfur Group Sentenced to Death
BET: Johnson Hair Care Products is Black-Owned Again; Waves and Finger Weaves Rejoice
Reuters: Blacks Try to Turn Obama Pride into Profit; Back to Drawing Board After Obama Fried Chicken
NYT: John Madden Retires; Buzz Uncertain Where We'll Get 'Booms', 'Thwacks' From
BBC: Into Thin Air: Kenya 'Will Try Somali Pirates'
Forbes: Because They're Nothing If Not Haters. Wall St. Shrugs Off JPMorgan's Gains
Reuters: Faster Than a Speeding Bullet! Obama Unveils High-Speed Rail Plans
BB: Nokia Aims to Win Market Share; Buzz Unaware Nokia Still Existed
VOA: Russia Ends Operations in Chechnya Saying "Don't Make Us Come Back Here"
ABC: Even the Mall Isn't Safe: Foreclosures Strike Malls; Orange Julius, Spencer's in Jeopardy
CNN: Hulk Hogan Says He Could've OJ'd his Ex, Is Immediately Hit With Steel Folding Chair
MH: Worked into a Lather, Teabaggers Look to Sack Tax Day; Some Satisfied, Others Left Feeling Blue
CNN: Dear Pirates, We're Developing Guns That'll Heat You Up from 5,280 Ft. 5,280.
USAT: Army Officials: Brain Injuries Overdiagnosed, Trauma from Concussive Explosives All in GIs' Heads
NYT: NSA Overstepped Legal Bounds, Still Urge You to Stay on the Grid While They 'Clear Up' the Issue
AJE: Abuse Claim Made Against Gitmo Guards; US Silent While…Hey the Obamas Have A New Dog!
BBC: India Goes to the Polls; Adam Lambert Considered a Dark Horse Favorite
WP: Obama Ballerific, Makes $2.6M Off Books; Uses Prez Check As Shoe Money
FOX: Suleman Wants to Trademark 'Octomom', Lease Out Uterus with Option to Buy
BET: Whites Overtaking Blacks on Drug Sentences (We Understand the Urge to Gloat, But Don't)
BBC: Since Hatchet Men Are Handy, Obama Exempts CIA 'Torture' Staff
AP: China Wants US and N. Korea to Play Nice; US: "Yes Daddy"
Reuters: Dozens Feared Dead in Afghan Quake
AP: In Speech, Palin Takes Stand Against Abortion, Loves Guns, Can See Russia, Etc., Etc…
BW: With Recession, Google Goes From Ultra to Super Successful
Reuters: 3100 Jobs Lost on Wall St. in March; People Should Feel Bad, Don't
BH: Celtics Lose Garnett; ABC Prepares Kobe v. LeBron Finals Promos
CT: Oprah to Invade Twitter; Male Twitterers Prepare to Be Blamed for Stuff
PCM: Duffel Bag Boys Rejoice! T-Mobile Unveils New Sidekick