Stephen Miller Somehow Only Being 32 (!!!) Is More Proof That Terrible White People Age Like Day-Old Guacamole

Andrew Harrer/Pool/Getty Images
Andrew Harrer/Pool/Getty Images

The biggest revelation of the New York Times’ profile on White House Senior Policy Adviser Stephen Miller isn’t that he’s a raging and festering asshole, or a rogue sheet of single-ply toilet paper caught in Jeff Sessions’ belt after he shits on single mothers.


Naturally, the Times piece reiterates Miller’s abject awfulness with stories like the following, which sounds like it came from a straight-to-Netflix horror movie about teen bullies who get eaten alive by radioactive lanyards:

Standing behind the microphone before a hostile amphitheater crowd, Mr. Miller — then a 16-year-old candidate for a student government post, now a 32-year-old senior policy adviser to President Trump — steered quickly into an unlikely campaign plank: ensuring that the janitorial staff was really earning its money.

“Am I the only one,” he asked, “who is sick and tired of being told to pick up my trash when we have plenty of janitors who are paid to do it for us?”

It appeared he was. Boos consumed the grounds of the left-leaning Santa Monica High School campus. Mr. Miller was forcibly escorted from the lectern, shouting inaudibly as he was tugged away.

But again, this isn’t the biggest revelation from the piece because we already knew he’s a dick. No, the biggest takeaway is that this Larry David’s-little brother-looking motherfucker is only 32 years old. He looks like he could have taught me in high school, but this dude is young enough to have been one of my students.

That Stephen Miller is aging like milk left in the trunk of a car stuck in a whale’s esophagus is harrowing and terrifying. But it’s also fitting, since the Trump administration is filled with people who wear their evil on their skin, as if they all shop at the same Sephora-but-for-Racists and buy their lotions and body washes and salt scrubs there.

There’s Steve Bannon, who probably has greyscale. Jeff Sessions looks like he was cursed by a genie to spend his entire life as an ugly baby. Donald Trump is a bloated Ken Doll dipped in a vat of rapey, cursed and curdled Cheese Whiz. Mike Pence, the “normalest” looking of them all, is only untouched by this plague of ugly because he hasn’t had a chance to apply the hate lotion, since he hasn’t been naked since 1976.

Now, I realize that some people will read the title of this piece and assume that it’s racist. (Ha!) Or perhaps will willfully misread it so that they read “White people age like guacamole” instead of what it actually says. Because of that, I want to make a couple of things clear:

  1. This isn’t about all white people. Just the terrible ones like Stephen Miller. And Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, who looks like he’s kept alive by being injected each morning with the fingernail clippings of Dallas-area orphans. Jerry Jones looks like he made his fortune by inventing lint.
  2. If you’re not terrible, this doesn’t apply to you!
  3. If you are terrible, it probably does! But guess what? If you stop being terrible, it won’t anymore! You can even start shopping at regular Sephora again!

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)



What about Kellyanne? She’s only 50 - younger than Halle Berry, Viola Davis, Angela Bassett...and she looks like she was their high school principal.