Somebody Spit on Eric Trump

Chicago police and the U.S. Secret Service detained a woman Tuesday evening on suspicion of second-degree loogie-hocking after the dumber of the Trump siblings reported that a bartender had extended the city’s traditional gesture of disapproval by spitting in Eric Trump’s stupid, stupid face.

The Daily Beast reports that the Secret Service questioned an employee at Chicago watering hole the Aviary on Tuesday night after another employee confirmed to authorities that a female worker at the “intimate speakeasy ...serving classically inspired cocktails and vintage spirits” offered the executive vice president of the Trump organization a sample of classically inspired, vintage saliva.

Or maybe she thought Eric needed a little more hair gel.

Eric reportedly arrived at the bar with a few friends when a woman said “something that sounded anti-Trump” and projectile-drooled on him around 8:30 p.m. Secret Service agents charged with protecting the partial heir to the Trump tax-avoidance empire reportedly leaped into action and handcuffed the woman.

Eric declined to press charges, although he may have done so because he was uncomfortable filling out the forms, as he wasn’t sure if “spit” has one “t” or two. The female phlegm-flinger was later released and the Secret Service declined to say if she was freed because—according to the Steele Dossier—Trump men don’t particularly mind being sprayed with body fluids. However, the Chicago spitter may be eligible for deportation under the Trump administration’s aggressive immigration policy after ICE agents declared that the woman’s mouth-mucus is technically a foreign substance.

Calling it “a disgusting act by somebody who clearly has emotional problems,” Eric Trump apparently checked the slobber-sprayer’s political affiliation, called Breitbart News and said: “For a party that preaches tolerance, this once again demonstrates they have very little civility. When somebody is sick enough to resort to spitting on someone, it just emphasizes a sickness and desperation and the fact that we’re winning.”

The Aviary issued a statement calling the interaction an “unfortunate incident” and explained that “no customer should ever be spit upon.” The establishment revealed that they placed the worker on leave while denigrating the woman’s marksmanship or our political discourse by suggesting that we should all “aim higher,” adding:

Hundreds of people are calling for the demise of our business, threatening our employees and posting fake reviews... they are wrong to do so based on the actions of a lone individual.

So too, however, are those people wrong who are praising this as an act of civil disobedience.

While the alleged spitter remains unidentified, her saliva is currently polling somewhere between Amy Klobuchar and John Hickenlooper in the Democratic primary presidential polls, technically qualifying the woman’s throat juice for tonight’s debate.

There is no truth to the reports that say “making it rain” on a Trump was the fulfillment of black America’s collective bucket list.

The Root also could not confirm the rumor that Eric’s expectorate ejector was immediately hired by Jussie Smollett as a personal trainer.