YOU know you are truly the special snowflake your third grade teacher said you would be, but that hasn’t become apparent to the rest of the world just yet. Mainly because: Reality. But also because: Money, Time, Sleep, Ambition, Personality Flaws, and Carbs. But why stop there? There are plenty of day-to-day obstacles that stop you from reaching your full potential. I’ve decided to identify a few of those things and call them out, in the hopes that they can get their shit together and one day let me be great.
1. My cell phone battery
I recently took an hour-long bus ride through North Philadelphia. I know, I know. And just as the man crammed in next to me blasting complaintive oldhead music on a mini speaker got up, the third screaming child boarded the bus and the bus driver pulled over for her second screaming match with a wheelchair-bound passenger #Philly. So, I go to pull up Spotify to drown it all out and then Twitter to complain to a bunch of disinterested strangers. As one does. But instead of granting me basic catharsis, my cell phone battery commits digital seppuku right there on the 23 bus.
“I was rooting for you, cell phone battery. We were all rooting for you!” I cried out loud to no one. No, I actually shed tears. Because instead of the soothing sounds of Big Sean, I rode home listening to the profane ramblings of a passenger who made loud sexual advances towards his imaginary companion until he passed out, snoring… Yeah. Couldn’t even let Big Sean be great, cell phone battery. Could you?
2. My morning coffee
Though there have been many studies conducted on the benefits of a cup of coffee in the morning, those studies fail to observe how coffee puts its own greatness before your success. If you are a coffee drinker and a human being with a colon you already know what I’m talking about. When upon finishing your coffee, you’re more alert, sure. You’re also suddenly praying for Tina in human resources to leave the office restroom before the functions of your gastrointestinal tract start to sound like dub step. “Oh hey. Why’d you miss the 10am conference call?” “Because I am addicted to hazelnut and sadistic.”
3. The eyeliner I keep forgetting I put on this morning
If eyeliner were a guy, he’d be the biggest bullshitter you’ve ever met.
Eyeliner promises to make you look like this…
…and if you’re some kind of Bajan vampire goddess, you might actually look like that when you walk out your door. But for those of us who are not, by noon, eyeliner has pulled a dick move and decided to break up with you by telling everyone but you.
Or you never make it that far because you ended up looking like…
…and have to cancel all your plans indefinitely while you sob uncontrollably and Google facial reconstruction watch makeup tutorials on YouTube to learn from your peers. And don’t forget you’re wearing eyeliner and accidentally wipe your face because one flick of the wrist and eyeliner taps out, no questions asked. It’s sad, really. Because y’all could be great together, but he playin.
4. Late night liquids
Much like your morning coffee, late night liquids can’t even spare one fuck when it comes to your plans or your physical well-being. Especially once you’ve reached a certain age. Like, anything over 25. Maybe there was once a time when you could hang out and pop bottles until all hours of the night then crawl into bed and sleep until noon like a G. But those days for me ended swiftly and definitively when my kidneys grew up and decided they too had purpose. Ignoring cotton mouth and dry cough at night has become a routine reminder of why aging is both hilarious and awful. Because even as I try to type this, I have to take a break from attempted greatness to let my kidneys be purposeful assholes again.
5. The distance between my friends and I
This last one makes me a little emotional. Because everybody has a friend they’ve loved and lost in one way or another. Either to jealousy, or to petty behavior. Or to something more serious like illness. Or to their friend’s basic-assed significant other, who one day decides to move half way across the country and take your bestie with them. It’s not something you can fight exactly, because somebody a long time ago said that if you love something let it go… although you’d like to find that person and let your fist go directly into their mouth for giving shitty advice.
Maturely letting people pursue their best life while it inconveniences you is totally symptomatic of your failure to be great. You have to figure out how to develop a whole new unhealthy schedule of texting, calling, and general co-dependency. And you learn the hard way that replacing your friends with far lesser beings just to have a warm body close is not a long-term solution. And you have to spend actual money to see each other and you know your checking account be on some bullshit, always vetoing your greatness. While you’re genuinely happy your friends are moving up in the world, it’s also nice to have loved ones around when you’re not feeling so great and you need someone to buy you shots. So yeah, screw you, distance. The only thing you are great at is getting me to catch feels every time I think about you. Chump.
Honorable mention goes to my too-tight bra strap, for actively conspiring against me as I try to type this. You too have been exposed for the hater you are.
Sawyer is from Philadelphia, PA. Please don't hold that against her. She is a screenwriter and a web series creator. Her hobbies include: quoting scenes from syndicated sitcoms and over-extending gel manicures. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org