Sex Changes Everything

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Editor’s note: This is part 5 of a multipart series. Catch up with part 1 , part 2, part 3 and part 4.


In my experience, although men say they are OK with a woman being nonmonogamous, in truth they are not.

It probably sounds good to them in theory because it means that they get to do their own thing, too. But the reality is, while they are more than happy to be nonmonogamous themselves, they don’t truly believe that the woman should be nonmonogamous.


And sex almost always changes everything.

I talked to HDT at length about my lifestyle. I was very open and honest about it from the beginning, and I answered all of his questions. I felt like we had a good understanding.

I knew that he was single and living life as a bachelor in Miami. I knew there were other women in his life, and I wasn’t concerned about it—because frankly, it wasn’t any of my business.

We were not committing to each other. This was just supposed to be an enjoyable relationship in which we spent time together now and then and enjoyed the moments as we had them.


In other words, it wasn’t supposed to be that deep.

I will openly admit that the time we spent together in the hotel during our weekend in Hollywood was magical and intoxicating. Nearly 72 hours of nonstop contact with the same person will have anyone feeling some type of way in the immediate vicinity of it, but once you get back to reality and there is some distance from it, you can put things in a clearer perspective.


Still, in those first few days after our weekend, we were both still high off our interlude—and that reflected in the tenor of our conversations and interactions with each other.

It was subtle at first. He was calling more, texting more and generally wanting to keep up with me more. It was cute and sweet, and I allowed it because, fuck it, right?


A few days after he left, he mentioned on the phone that he had plans for the night. When I asked him what he was up to, he told me that he had a date with a woman he had been seeing since before he met me.

I wasn’t jealous or bothered by it, but because I am nosy, I asked him questions about her and his relationship with her.


He answered all of my questions without hesitation and then asked me if I was at all bothered by him going out with her. I told him no.

“Good,” he said. “You have absolutely no reason to be. You are winning in every category.”


The next morning, he wanted to speak with me about it again. This time he asked me if I would be bothered if I knew that they had sex.

I told him no, and he said he asked because he admitted to her that we had spent the previous weekend together having sex, and she got jealous.


And this is the sometimes messy side effect of open relationships. Sometimes some parties experience or feel jealousy. It is a natural human emotion and reaction, so it’s important to communicate about it and handle it carefully.

I kept this in mind when, a week later, he began making it clear that he wanted to be the center of my attention. He didn’t beat around the bush about it. He told me he was willing to drop all his “extras” if I would drop all mine, too.


“How is that going to work?” I asked him. “I’m way over here in California, and you are in Florida. It seems unrealistic.”

I wasn’t completely opposed to it; I just wanted to approach it from a healthy and carefully thought-out stance. But my unwillingness to drop every other man immediately just to be with him seemed to unnerve him.


After spending days telling me all the reasons that it would be a good idea for us to do this, he was annoyed when I once again told him, “I don’t know. I really have to think about it.”

“I’m trying to offer you a world of happiness over here,” he said, “but it seems like you are more worried about being able to pass your pussy out to random niggas.”



I was offended as fuck. And because my mouth is so slick, I had to clap back, so I did.


“You weren’t worried about it when you were one of those random niggas,” I said.

It was an unfair comment for him to make, and he knew it. The fact of the matter is, I wasn’t passing my pussy out to anyone at the time, but the mere fact that I had the option to do so seemed to be more of a concern to him.


He was aware of his mistake and he immediately tried to apologize, but I was already way too pissed off to be open to listening to him try to explain it.

I cut the conversation short. He called the next morning and again tried to make amends, but the damage was done. I felt the need to establish some boundaries and put a little distance between us.


He and I both knew it would take a while for him to work his way back into my good graces.

If I even let him do that.

To be continued next Friday.

News Editor for The Root. I said what I said. Period.

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I think this was HDT’s first attempt at triangulation, dragging in the other woman he dated. It appears very much to be about control over you on his part. That would be typical behaviour from a narcissistic abuser. I don’t know, I have felt so concerned about you in this, ever since I read the first installment. I so hope that you are safe, Monique.