Here are 52 reactions to last night’s Scandal episode:
When we learn that Fitz has been calling Olivia every night since she told him there was still hope for them to get back together:
1. Fitz has that Obama ’08 “Yes We Can!” kind of hope.
2. If only the Democrats still had that kind of hope for the midterms.
When Caitlin’s dad shoots himself in the head in front of Quinn:
3. We’re only two minutes into the episode!
When Senator So-and-So resigns after he’s caught on film soiling himself while wearing an oversized diaper and Fitz endorses Chip Putney, with Leo Bergen as his campaign manager, to run for his seat:
4. Chip is Abby’s ex-husband?? The one Liv had to hit in the kneecaps with a crowbar one night to rescue Abby because he had beaten her and kicked her out of the house?
5. Low-Down Dirty Leo is back!
When Chip’s presence triggers Abby’s post-traumatic stress disorder and Liv vows to ensure that Chip won’t get elected:
6. Fix it, Jesus!
7. Never mind; Liv is on it.
8. Thank you, Jesus!
When something happens about a car bomb in West Angola, something something, something:
9. Slow down, Scandal! I can’t keep up.
10. We’re already on, like, scandal No. 5, and we’re only 13 minutes in!
When Cyrus Beene feeds Michael the wrong intel about the West Angola situation to find out if Michael is leaking information back to Lizzy:
12. By the way, Cyrus, who’s watching your daughter?
When Olivia calls David Rosen to ask for access to the supermax where Jake is being held, and David says, “I’ve been ‘Poped’ and I don’t know it”:
13. I wish someone would turn my name into a verb.
When Olivia meets with Tom in Supermax to see if he’ll confess that her father ordered him to kill Little Jerry, and Tom waxes on (and on) about how beautiful and how loved she is, but he confirms that Jake ordered him to kill Little Jerry:
14. Tom talks!
15. Oh, Tom monologues.
16. Tom monologues just like Jake and Huck.
17. Command must teach Monologuing 101 during B613 boot camp.
18. Note to self: Wiki “face that launched a thousand ships.”
19. Tom is still talking.
20. (Face palm.) Duh. Thanks, Wikipedia.
21. Tom looks a little like Michael Jackson’s hologram.
22. Not in a bad way.
23. But, like, right around the cheeks.
24. (Slow clap.) Way to monologue, Tom.
When Chip corners Abby in the parking garage to intimidate her into calling off her “Olivia dog”:
25. Abby has a gun!
26. Shoot him!
27. Shoot him dead, Abby!
28. And when the cops arrive, you should be standing there smoking a cigarette over his dead body.
29. That ain’t right.
30. But it ain’t wrong.
31. Well, at least shoot him in the pinky toe like Eddie Murphy in Harlem Nights.
When Fitz asks Olivia to prove that there is still hope for them and it turns into phone sex:
32. Come over there and prove it? Like, with her sex?
33. Don’t do it, Liv.
34. Wait. Is he reciting the lyrics to R. Kelly’s “12 Play”?
35. Or is that Janet Jackson’s “Twenty Foreplay”?
36. OK. Do it, Liv.
When Papa Pope was waiting in Olivia’s apartment to chew her out about meeting with Tom, and he warned her that she’ll lose if she goes against him again:
37. Liv’s building needs a new security guard because he’s just letting anybody in her house at this point.
38. Is Olivia too old for someone to call Child Protective Services?
39. Pope-on-Pope crime feels like the ultimate in black-on-black crime.
When Cyrus is laid up with Michael watching TV and sees Mellie relay the false intel that Cyrus had previously told Michael:
40. Oh, noo! Cyrus thinks Mellie set him up with Michael.
41. Cyrus vs. Mellie is not as daunting as Pope vs. Pope, but it’ll be ugly.
42. But seriously, though, who is watching Cyrus’ daughter??
When Leo causes Chip to withdraw from the race after Abby tells him how Chip used to beat her and then Leo kisses Abby:
43. Aww, the Tin Man has a heart.
44. But, nooo, Abby! He still (for the most part) ain’t no good!
When Fitz tells Mellie to keep her nose out of foreign policy, and Mellie is like, “I’m baa-ack!”:
45. Fitz may not want the old Mellie back, but the rest of us do!
46. In that red-dress, red-lip combo, Mellie is here to slay!
When we learn that Olivia had Tom shanked in order to record his confession that Command ordered him to kill Little Jerry:
47. See, Liv, this is why David doesn’t answer your calls.
When Javi tracks down Huck using his IP address:
48. Javi for the win!
49. Real talk, though: Why is Javi running the streets of D.C. by himself at night to meet with Internet strangers?
50. I’m not ready for kids.
When Olivia, Jake and (gasp!) Fitz meet up in the supersecret room:
51. Is Olivia really going to team up with Fitz and Jake to take down her father??
52. Shonda Rhimes is trying to set the Internet on fire!!
Akilah Green is a recovering Washington, D.C., lawyer-lobbyist-politico turned TV and film writer and producer living in Los Angeles. She currently works for Chelsea Handler’s Netflix talk show, Chelsea. She has also worked as a staff writer for Kevin Hart’s production company, HartBeat Productions, and as a consultant for Real Time With Bill Maher on HBO. In addition, she co-wrote and is producing Scratch, an indie horror-comedy feature film, and is a regular contributor to The Root. Follow Green’s adventures in La La Land on her blog, Twitter and Facebook.