Russia Wanted to Start a Race War and Create the Confederate States of Wakanda

Illustration for article titled Russia Wanted to Start a Race War and Create the Confederate States of Wakanda
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Recently uncovered documents reveal that prominent Russian saboteurs seriously considered an elaborate plot to round up America’s top gang thugs, send them to Africa, arm them, take over the Southern United States and start a separate country where presumably “Knuck If You Buck” would be the national anthem.


This might be the stupidest idea in history. Imagine how dumb an entire group of people would have to be to start a civil war against their own country in hopes of creating an entirely separate society based on racism? It would be bloody and pit brother against brother. Secede from the Union? Who does that?

Yet, according to NBC, the Russians who interfered in the 2016 elections floated a number of ideas on how they could sow discord in the United States. Some of the documents obtained by the Dossier Center, a London-based investigative team, detailed conversations and plans among associates of Yevgeny Prigozhin—a Russian oligarch who was indicted by Special Counsel Robert Mueller.

NBC reports:

The documents contained proposals for several ways to further exacerbate racial discord in the future, including a suggestion to recruit African Americans and transport them to camps in Africa “for combat prep and training in sabotage.” Those recruits would then be sent back to America to foment violence and work to establish a pan-African state in the South, particularly in South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana...

The blueprint, entitled “Development Strategy of a Pan-African State on U.S. Territory,” floated the idea of enlisting poor, formerly incarcerated African Americans “who have experience in organized crime groups” as well as members of “radical black movements for participation in civil disobedience actions.”

One of the maps even showed what the new Pan-African country would look like, covering South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama Mississippi, Louisiana and maybe Texas.

But do we really want Texas? I’m pretty sure Blackmanistan’s Congress would be willing to keep Houston and maybe Dallas. We’d trade the rest of that bullshit for D.C. and a hood to be named later. And if they balk, fuck’em. As long as we have Atlanta, we’re good.


And no, we’re not taking Florida. Those motherfuckers are crazy.

First of all, how was this race war semester abroad in Africa was supposed to work? Did they think black people were going to trust some oily-haired Russian motherfuckers? After serving years as both an amateur and a professional black person, I can tell you that black people don’t distinguish between Russians and regular, riding-on-the-passenger-side-with-their-bare-foot-hanging-out-of-the-car-window whites. I doubt if some niggas from Compton and Baltimore are going to embark on a trans-Atlantic trip because some guy named Sergei promised AK-47s and liberation. We fell for that one before. You know what they say:

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you might catch these hands.”

I’m pretty sure that’s in the Bible.

What would this Pan-African state’s economy be like? You know a petty dude like Trump would immediately tax our lotion imports. And of course, colonizers would still try to gentrify the new country of Beyoncélonia. Aside from winning the next 234 NBA Championships, Super Bowls and So You Think You Can Dance season finales, most of the Realniggastan’s GDP would come from exporting our music, art, science and culture. Sure, we’d make a few bucks off tourism but we’d probably have to build a wall to keep out white girls, Nick Saban and most of the Kardashians.


Plus, if America had no more black culture for white people to imitate, profit from and position themselves next to, how the hell is Michael Rapaport supposed to make a living?

Even though the plan sounds crazy, it does seem a little fun. First, we’d have to come up with a flag for New Wakanda. We’d call it the “black man’s flag” and every time white people see it, the hoowyatts would get upset and we could just tell them: “It’s about heritage, not hate.” We’ll probably have to build some monuments to the rebels who committed treason so that we could be free.


To be fair, we’d have to do a lot of restructuring. We can’t send our kids to school in Alabama and Mississippi without overhauling the school system. I’m sure Flosstralia’s Secretary of Education, Dr. Umar Johnson, could turn them around in 30-40 years, as long as we don’t give him control of the national GoFundMe account.

We’d also have to offer restitution for all of the white people who had to leave Livinglargentina. Some would argue that the citizens of Melanindia should say “fuck them.” but we’d have to pay them some form of reparations.


No country could ever be that evil.

The plan to take militant black people to Africa for slave uprising summer camp was shared with powerful Russians including businessman Mikhail Potepkin. Ultimately, the Russians decided that installing a dullard scofflaw with a God complex, a minuscule vocabulary and an addiction to Day-Glo spray tan would probably fuck this country up even more.


Turns out, they were right.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.


KC Complains A Lot

Black people don’t want a race war. We just want to be allowed to live in peace and not be bothered by nosey ass, triflin’ ass white people.

New Wakanda would be a Utopia if only because there would be a few big laws that governed the country.

1.) Mind ya damn business.

2.) Don’t start no shit, won’t be no shit.

3.) Talk shit, get hit.

White folks are the ones constantly going on about starting race wars. And as Michael Harriot points out, THEY ALREADY LOST ONE OF THOSE. How do they think the second one would turn out?