Roger Goodell Is A Turducken Of Shitty

Elsa/Getty Images
Elsa/Getty Images

In one of the emails in Deadspin's Funbag this week, someone brought up a wacky teacher who'd give students 95s on multiple choice tests if they got every answer wrong. Get one or two right, though, and you'd get your real grade. Obviously, the implied rationale is that if you're able to intentionally get every answer wrong, you have a mastery of the material, and deserve a good grade.


Roger Goodell will make more money doing his job this year than you will make in your entire lifetime. (And by "you" I mean "everyone reading this, myself included.") He is also worse at his job. I say this with complete certainty, despite the fact that I have absolutely no idea how well any of you perform your jobs. Because if you were as bad at your job as Roger Goodell is at his job, you would not have a job. Your place of business would not be able to afford to keep an employee who wrote "Still, tho" on all the annual reports. Or fried the fried chicken with cat urine instead of Crisco.

Which makes me believe his bosses — the NFL owners — are that wacky teacher. And all of Goodell's progressively and impressively shitty statements and decisions — on Tom Brady, on domestic violence, on concussions, on Ray Rice, on Adrian Peterson, on literally anything else he's done in the last three years — are proof to them that he actually knows what he's doing. Because it's so statistically improbable to get everything wrong that it must be intentional. A long con. Maybe, they believe, he's Danny Ocean allowing himself to get made and caught on the casino floor while his crew takes the vault. And, maybe, they're right.

Despite the league and its commissioner having worse p.r. than Jared Fogle, they continue to print money at record rates. Which probably isn't Goodell's doing. A nutless monkey with mouth gout could probably run the NFL at this point. But, they're not 100% certain that it's not his doing, so he keeps his job, and keeps discovering and inventing new layers of shitty.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)



Like a gracious winner I will say this in defense of Roger, during the lockout the players were thirsty and was basically like yeah yeah whatever you need Roger just turn the lights back on. They figured hey sure we render some of our players helpless, but in the moment they wasn't thinking about Tom Brady they was thinking about the Tank Johnsons. They gave Roger this absolute and basically illegal power with the knowledge that if and when he used it it would only hurt the troublesome black athlete.

While I do think Roger needs to go home, I can't help but roll my eyes at the NFLPA because they turned on their players, and sacrificed the needs of the few for the needs of the many. They're lucky it was Tom Brady, because if it was the Jacksonville Jaguars this L would not be noticed and Roger would keep on cooking