Now that former special counsel Robert Mueller’s appearance before the House Judiciary Committee and the House Intel Committee has concluded, Democrats are disappointed that Mueller didn’t call Trump a “lying-ass liar” under oath and Republicans are upset that the special counsel didn’t definitively declare: “No collusion, no obstruction.”
However, buried in the six-plus hours of interrogation that consisted mostly of Mueller asking the congressmen to repeat their questions, there were a few startling revelations that we have ranked according to importance:
10. Donald Trump escaped justice because Robert Mueller was ready for his City Boy Summer.
Near the end of his appearance in front of the House Intelligence Committee, Mueller explained that no one told him not to subpoena Donald Trump. Instead, the former special counsel revealed that he didn’t do it because he knew Trump would fight the subpoena in court and Mueller was ready to end the investigation.
Where the fuck was he so anxious to go? Did Robert Mueller decide not to save American democracy so he could go to Essence Fest or go hang out in Cancun?
9. Joaquin Castro has a beard.
I believe Joaquin’s brother, Democratic presidential candidate Julian Castro, is flailing in the polls because people are apprehensive to vote for a president with an identical twin. Julian can sidestep any question of impropriety by claiming: That wasn’t me, that was my brother,” so they came up with this transparent ploy to distinguish themselves from each other.
That’s the real collusion.
8. The Republicans had nothing.
The Republicans continued to chase a convoluted conspiracy theory narrative about the Steele dossier, Hillary Clinton’s emails, Democratic FBI agents and Fusion GPS, which no one can really understand, including Mueller himself.
Aside from talking loudly into the microphone, the GOP’s entire strategy was to force Mueller to admit that he should have exonerated Donald Trump because of the constitutionally guaranteed right to the presumption of innocence. Rep. Mike Turner (R-Ohio) used his entire time to question Mueller about a mythical office of exoneration in the Justice Department, explaining that the Constitution says that you are innocent until proven guilty.
There’s just one problem with this legal argument:
The Constitution does not say anything about the presumption of innocence.
7. Devin Nunes is a dick.
I don’t really need any evidence.
6. Mueller may have revealed an impeachable offense.
After Mueller revealed that Trump would not concede to an in-person interview, he revealed that Trump answered some written questions under oath. But when Rep. Val Demings (D-Fla.) asked if Trump’s written answers were “not only inadequate and incomplete,” and that the president “wasn’t always being truthful,” Mueller replied: “I would say...generally.”
I’m pretty sure lying to white people is an impeachable offense.
5. The Democrats kinda had their shit together.
The Democratic Party is as known for ineptitude as it is for ignoring black voters. Thankfully, in today’s hearings, they seem to have prepared their questions in advance. They might not have gotten any headline-making news out of Mueller, but, if nothing else, they showed that more investigations, and possibly impeachment, is not unwarranted.
4. The Russians wanted Trump to win.
Mueller didn’t hesitate when he was asked, at numerous points, who the Russians were trying to help in the 2016 election:
3. If there was one thing Robert Mueller was definitive about, it was that whole exoneration thing.
2. Was Robert Mueller high?
I wouldn’t blame him. If I had to testify before Congress, I damn sure would smoke me a blunt in the bathroom during the breaks. It’s technically legal in D.C. and it explains why he kept losing his train of thought.
Trust me, I can tell when the edible kicks in.
1. We’re fucked.
Aside from the political divide and the fact that we have a criminal president, the biggest takeaway from today’s hearing was that, not that Russia interfered in U.S. elections but that they are interfering in U.S. elections.
The FBI director recently said he hasn’t even read the Mueller report, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky,) is holding up an election-security bill and Attorney General William Barr is too busy fellating Trump to do anything.
Fuck it, it’s edible time.