Even before researchers named the rare malady that afflicts hundreds of black people across the world (my unofficial research on YouTube shows that 99.99 percent of us are unafflicted), we all knew someone who suffered from one of the most tragic diseases known to man. It has been overlooked for too long, but itβs time that someone called attention to this rapidly spreading illness:
Black people who canβt dance.
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We all have a friend or relative who looks like theyβre being stunned with a Taser whenever they hear βCash Money Records taking over for the nine-nine and two thousand!β
Far be it from us to engage in rhythm-shaming. There is nothing wrong with not being able to dance. But we thought weβd look at some of the more famous entertainers whoβdespite their level of stardom and talentβare stricken with what poet and amateur scientist Jonathan Samuel Eddie diagnosed as βrheumatoid Negroitis.β
Hereβs the list of the greatest nondancing entertainers:
Itβs not that Rihanna canβt dance. Rihanna looks like she just doesnβt give a damn about dancing. Rihanna is from Barbados, so anything past the dutty wine level of difficulty looks like sheβs just biding time until sheβs free to jump on a Jet Ski and hit the joint she keeps tucked in her bra.
To be fair, after youβve smoked half a blunt, every dance step feels like you are Fred Astaire. And Rihanna never smokes half a blunt. She always goes all in. Thatβs why sheβs the queen.
When God handed out singing ability, apparently Johnny Gill got in line twice instead of waiting for his allotment of dancing skills. No one can impugn Gillβs vocal chops, but he dances like heβs the son of a preacher. There is no middle ground for preachersβ kids. Either they can twerk like the Friday midnight main feature at Magic City or they dance like they have two left feet. Gillβs gyrations will make you say, βMy, my, my ... that nigga canβt dance!β
In defense of Gill, as one of the last holdouts to get rid of the S-Curl, the activator drips that surrounded him made doing the running man very precarious.
God, that brother can sing, though!
Who doesnβt love Mary J. Blige? Itβs not that the Queen of Hip-Hop Soul canβt dance, itβs that sheβs created her own genre of dance moves that is a mix of karate and being gone off the Henny.
The countless memes of people mimicking Bligeβs dances are always hilarious.
Sean βP. Puff Daddy Diddy Brother Loveβ Combs moves like he caught the Holy Ghost while a Junior M.A.F.I.A. song was playing. Unlike many people on this list, however, Brother Diddy Love seems to believe he is good at dancing, andβto be honestβhe might be. Diddy always looks as if he just learned the dance routine in rehearsal, but when he gets all the steps down and memorized, heβs going to slay it.
He never gets it down.
The golden-voiced diva possessed one of the greatest set of vocal cords of all time. Like Johnny Gill, she didnβt bother to bring her dancing shoes anywhere. With Houston, it didnβt matter, because we all fast-forwarded through her up-tempo songs anyway.
I actually do want to dance with somebody who loves me ... but not to that particular song. Plus, if I see Houston cutting a rug, it might get me out of the mood.
We will still always love her.
This is another example of great voices who just didnβt have it when it came to dance-floor charisma. Boyz II Men arenβt supposed to be able to dance. Theyβre supposed to stand in the middle of a field of dandelions and sing to a camera circling around them. They are supposed to stand on the beach in white linen and serenade the ocean breeze.
Sure, they might look like they just ate a family-sized bucket of Churchβs chicken before their performance, but as long as theyβre in tune when they sing βEnd of the Road,β no one cares if theyβre in step when they sing βMotownphilly.β
Drake is one of the worst dancers on the list. Heavy D rolled over in his grave when he saw Drakeβs βHotline Blingβ video sullying the dancing legacy of light-skinned entertainers like Christopher βKidβ Reid of Kid βn Play, Chris Brown, Prince and post-Thriller Michael Jackson.
Drake gets a pass because he dances exactly like who he is: an emo, half-Jewish Degrassi High child actor from Canada.
Q-Tip is one of the coolest figures in hip-hop history, but he dances like Frankenstein at the disco. It doesnβt matter because A Tribe Called Quest is not known for dancing. He only made it this high on the list as a warning. There are men who look so cool, when they do something, you will sometimes mistakenly think the thing they are doing is cool. Please, I beg of you, donβt go to the club on Friday night thinking you look as cool as Q-Tip when βVivrant Thingβ comes on. You donβt.
Also, why are you at a club that still plays βVivrant Thingβ?
Lilβ Kim is the impetus for this list after a clip of a recent performance became a meme:
I cannot confirm the rumor that Lilβ Kim will replace Derrick Rose on the Cleveland Cavaliers roster.
Mariah Carey doesnβt even try. She sleepwalks through her show like sheβs high on Percocet and red wine. Mimi has so few fucks left to give that she is known to just say βScrew thisβ and let her backup dancers carry her through the performance.
But if given the choice, which do we prefer: watching Mariah Carey zombie-wobble though the running man in 7-inch heels or hearing her hit those exquisite high notes?
I admit that Iβm biased because me and Mariah go back like babies and pacifiers.
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