When I arrived at the Home for Retired Racial Stereotypes, a sinister-looking armored Humvee was idling at the curb with Tonto at the wheel. Buckwheat and the Kingfish, both dressed in black ninja suits and Rambo-style bandannas, were carrying heavy camouflage-colored boxes out to the car while Charlie Chan and the Frito Bandito, in similar garb, stood guard with assault rifles by the front door.

"What in the world is going on here?" I demanded.

"We on a secret mission, White," Buckwheat squeaked, in what would have been a grim tone if he hadn't been squeaking. "Our country needs us."

"Needs you for what?" I asked insistently.

"To get back on course after the midterm elections," Buckwheat explained as he marched back into the home to pick up another box. "If we don't succeed, America is doomed."

"What makes you think that?" I continued.

"Because if we don't succeed in our mission, the country's never going to put people back to work, fix the schools and stop all these foreclosures," snapped Buckwheat. "We ain't got a moment to waste."


"That's right," the Kingfish interjected. "If we wait until the Republicans take control of the House of Representatives, it will be too late."

As the two racial stereotypes threw the last of the boxes into the Humvee, Charlie Chan and the Frito Bandito clambered down from the porch and leaped into the rear compartment, slamming the steel door behind them. Tonto gunned the motor.

"But where are you going?" I asked in an incredulous tone.

"Why, to rescue President Obama and put him back in the White House so he can take command of the country, of course," the Kingfish replied, as he checked his assault rifle. "So stop asking us stupid questions so we can get started!"


"But Obama doesn't need rescuing," I pleaded. "He just got back from an official tour of Asia and was in Portugal this weekend talking about the nuclear treaty with the Russians."

"That ain't the real Obama, you fool! That's a lookalike!" squeaked Buckwheat. "The real Obama would never have disappointed his base by acting like a wimp while the Tea Party spread lies about him! He would never have renewed the Patriot Act, escalated the Afghanistan War and bailed out big banks while average people got poorer and poorer. The real Obama would have fought back and taken action!"

"That's right," the Kingfish added. "The real Obama been held at a secret location we just found out about since before the inauguration and replaced with an Obama android. We on our way to get him out of there now and take him back to the Oval Office!"


"But who would concoct such a nefarious scheme?" I demanded.

"Follow the money, White, and you'll figure it out," Buckwheat squeaked back at me.

After a moment's thought, my skepticism about the famous Our Gang character's strange story faded away. "Well, you certainly will deserve the gratitude of the nation if you succeed," I said. "They will probably give you the Congressional Medal of Honor!"


"Oh, we can't let this go public," the Kingfish admonished. "The only way you'll know whether we accomplished the mission is if the president starts acting like a leader, standing up to the Tea Party, and taking big steps to help people get back to work and keep their houses out of foreclosure. That's when you'll know the real Obama back in the Oval Office — when he starts acting like he's the Man!"

Buckwheat snapped a salute, and then he and the Kingfish barreled into the Humvee, which shot away from the curb like a racing car.

The last thing I heard him shout as the car roared away was, "Stereotypes, lock and load!"


Jack White is a regular contributor to The Root.

is a former columnist for TIME magazine and a regular contributor to The Root.