There’s no longer any doubt that Trump did it.
On Wednesday morning, the White House released a memorandum of a conversation detailing the July 25 phone call between U.S. President Donald Trump and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky. Although many are referring to this as a transcript, it is actually compiled from presidential note-takers because the call was not recorded (yeah, right).
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The conversation includes explicit pleas from Trump to investigate Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden, badmouthing Robert Mueller and a promise for a follow-up collusion with Attorney General William Barr and cousin-fucker Rudy Giuliani.
When it comes to Biden and the claims of corruption, Trump specifically asked the Ukrainian president to investigate the president’s political rival and the Ukrainian president explicitly said that he’s looked into it. The following is the official White House memorandum of Trump’s phone call. Because many of our readers don’t speak Ukrainian or the rare dialect of English called Trumpanese, we have annotated the conversation into plain language.
Translation: Hello fellow president! Welcome to the club of powerful international leaders. Of course, you had a tough election because you actually won the popular vote. I’ve heard some countries require that, but fuck that Democracy shit!
Translation: Man, what the fuck do you want?
I did work hard, although you wouldn’t know anything about that. We used you as an example… of what not to do. Of course, we didn’t have to suppress the black vote, denigrate immigrants and use racism as a fearmongering tool, so, all things considered, it wasn’t very difficult.
Translation: Say word…
Translation: Real talk.
We want to get rid of corrupt politicians, too. Not as bad as Mitch McConnell, per se. But it’s pretty bad over here. It’s mostly Paul Manafort’s fault but I’m sure you know how that is.
Translation: Thanks, bruh. I know you are going to start wearing less and going out more but don’t forget who was down from day one. Back in the days, they didn’t want you. Now you’re hot, Europe’s all on you.
Angela Merkel won’t even let me grab her by the…
Translation: You’re 100 percent correct. Wait...I know you like big things and you don’t know math very well, so you’re 100,000,000 percent correct. As a matter of fact, I talked to Merkel and Macron and they said you don’t wash your legs. Those broke motherfuckers won’t even loan me a few dollars to get my nails done because they’re scared of Putin.
You know what you should do? You should lend me some money and sell me some Javelin missiles for the low-low.
Translation: Well, since you brought it up, I need a favor from you, too.
There’s this firm called Crowdstrike that did an analysis of the DNC hack. I heard the server is in Ukraine. I need you to investigate that for me because we had a guy named Robert Mueller and he kept bringing up facts and evidence. I’m gonna have my Attorney General call you and tell you exactly what we want you to find...
Cool?
Translation: I’ll do whatever you need, bruh!
As a matter of fact, one of my aides spoke with your homey Rudy Guiliani a couple of days ago. He wasn’t making much sense but I’m hoping he can come back to Ukraine so we can collude more. Anyone who needs investigating, I will investigate, as long as you keep those checks coming.
Translation: Oh, Rudy is my nigga! I know he has bad teeth and talks like a sentient bag of Scrabble tiles, but he’s also my lawyer. Anyway. I need you to investigate Joe Biden and his son. I heard some things about him that I’m not gonna say because I didn’t actually hear anything but if you could make something up, that would be cool.
Of course, I’m not saying you have to do this. All I’m saying is: Ukraine is a nice country. It would be a shame if something happened to it.
Translation: Well I am selecting a new Attorney General who will be on my side, much like your lackey William Barr. So if you just tell me what you want me to find, I will get right on that.
Translation: Well, I heard he was trying to buy MSNBC.
My homey Rudy will call you and set up the lies. He’s not an official government agent so I will have Billy Boy call you too. Also, I think your economy will improve. To be fair, I know nothing about business or economies. But some of my best friends are Ukrainian.
Translation: Blah, blah, blah...I’m going to get right on this Joe Biden investigation. Blah, blah, blah.
Translation: That’s what I like to hear!
Translation: Okay! We should definitely get together and do brunch or something.
Translation: You must be crazy. I’m never going to Ukraine but we can meet in Poland. I’ll have my people call your people.
Translation: I feel like I’m getting played.
Translation: You are, sucker.
Translation: Bye, bitch.
*Zelenskyy is the official Ukrainian spelling of Volodymyr Zelensky and reflects how it was written in the official transcript.
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