There’s no longer any doubt that Trump did it.
On Wednesday morning, the White House released a memorandum of a conversation detailing the July 25 phone call between U.S. President Donald Trump and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky. Although many are referring to this as a transcript, it is actually compiled from presidential note-takers because the call was not recorded (yeah, right).
The conversation includes explicit pleas from Trump to investigate Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden, badmouthing Robert Mueller and a promise for a follow-up collusion with Attorney General William Barr and cousin-fucker Rudy Giuliani.
When it comes to Biden and the claims of corruption, Trump specifically asked the Ukrainian president to investigate the president’s political rival and the Ukrainian president explicitly said that he’s looked into it. The following is the official White House memorandum of Trump’s phone call. Because many of our readers don’t speak Ukrainian or the rare dialect of English called Trumpanese, we have annotated the conversation into plain language.
The President: Congratulations on a great victory. We all watched from the United States and you did a terrific job. The way you came from behind—somebody who wasn’t given much of a chance, and you ended up winning easily. It’s a fantastic achievement. Congratulations.
Translation: Hello fellow president! Welcome to the club of powerful international leaders. Of course, you had a tough election because you actually won the popular vote. I’ve heard some countries require that, but fuck that Democracy shit!
President Zelenskyy*: You are absolutely right Mr. President. We did win big and we worked hard for this. We worked a lot but I would like to confess to you that I had an opportunity to learn from you. We used quite a few of your skills and knowledge and were able to use it as an example for our elections—and yes it is—true that these were unique elections. We were in a unique situation that we were able to achieve a unique success. I’m able to tell you the following; the first time you called me to congratulate me when I won my presidential election, and the second time you are now calling me when my party won the parliamentary election. I think I should run more often so you can call me more often and we can talk over the phone more often.
Translation: Man, what the fuck do you want?
I did work hard, although you wouldn’t know anything about that. We used you as an example… of what not to do. Of course, we didn’t have to suppress the black vote, denigrate immigrants and use racism as a fearmongering tool, so, all things considered, it wasn’t very difficult.
The President: [laughter] That’s a very good idea. I think your country is very happy about that.
Translation: Say word…
President Zelenskyy: Well yes, to tell you the truth, we are trying to work hard because we wanted to drain the swamp here in our country. We brought in many many new people. Not the old politicians, not the typical politicians, because we want to have a new format and a new type of government. You are a great teacher for us and in that.
Translation: Real talk.
We want to get rid of corrupt politicians, too. Not as bad as Mitch McConnell, per se. But it’s pretty bad over here. It’s mostly Paul Manafort’s fault but I’m sure you know how that is.
The President: Well it’s very nice of you to say that. I will say that we do a lot for Ukraine. We spend a lot of effort and a lot of time. Much more than the European countries are doing and they should be helping you more than they are. Germany does almost nothing for you. All they do is talk and I think it’s something that you should really ask them about. When I was speaking to Angela Merkel she talks Ukraine, but she doesn’t do anything. A lot of the European countries are the same way so I think it’s something you want to look at but the United States has been very very good to Ukraine. I wouldn’t say that it’s reciprocal necessarily because things are happening that are not good but the United States has been very very good to Ukraine.
Translation: Thanks, bruh. I know you are going to start wearing less and going out more but don’t forget who was down from day one. Back in the days, they didn’t want you. Now you’re hot, Europe’s all on you.
Angela Merkel won’t even let me grab her by the…
President Zelenskyy: Yes you are absolutely right Not only 100% but actually 1000% and I can tell you the following: I did talk to Angela Merkel and I did meet with her. I also met and talked with [Emmanuel] Macron and I told them that they are not doing quite as much as they need to be doing on the issues with the sanctions. They are not enforcing the sanctions. They are not working as much as they should work for Ukraine. It turns out that even though logically, the European Union should be our biggest partner but technically the United States is a much bigger partner than the European Union and I’m very grateful to you for that because the United States is doing quite a lot for Ukraine. Much more than the European Union especially when we are talking about sanctions against the Russian Federation. I would also like to thank you for your great support in the area of defense. We are ready to continue to cooperate for the next steps. Specifically, we’re almost ready to buy more Javelins from the United States for defense purposes.
Translation: You’re 100 percent correct. Wait...I know you like big things and you don’t know math very well, so you’re 100,000,000 percent correct. As a matter of fact, I talked to Merkel and Macron and they said you don’t wash your legs. Those broke motherfuckers won’t even loan me a few dollars to get my nails done because they’re scared of Putin.
You know what you should do? You should lend me some money and sell me some Javelin missiles for the low-low.
The President: I would like you to do us a favor though because our country has been through a lot and Ukraine knows a lot about it. I would like you to find out what happened with this whole situation with Ukraine, they say Crowdstrike. I guess you have one of your wealthy people...The server, they say Ukraine has it. There are a lot of things that went on, the whole situation. I think you’re surrounding yourself with some of the same people. I would like to have the Attorney General call you or your people and I would like you to get to the bottom of it. As you said yesterday, that whole nonsense ended with a very poor performance by a man named Robert Mueller, an incompetent performance but they say a lot of it started with Ukraine. Whatever you can do, it’s very important that you do it if that’s possible.
Translation: Well, since you brought it up, I need a favor from you, too.
There’s this firm called Crowdstrike that did an analysis of the DNC hack. I heard the server is in Ukraine. I need you to investigate that for me because we had a guy named Robert Mueller and he kept bringing up facts and evidence. I’m gonna have my Attorney General call you and tell you exactly what we want you to find...
President Zelenskyy: Yes it is very important for me and everything that you just mentioned earlier. For me as a President, it is very important and we are open for any future cooperation. We are ready to open a new page on cooperation in relations between the United States and Ukraine. For that purpose, I just recalled our ambassador from the United States and he will be replaced by a very competent and very experienced ambassador who will work hard on making sure that our two nations are getting closer. I would also like and hope to see him having your trust and your confidence and I have personal relations with you so we can cooperate even more so. I will personally tell you that one of my assistants spoke with Mr. Giuliani just recently and we are hoping very much that Mr. Giuliani will be able to travel to Ukraine and we will meet once he comes to Ukraine. I just wanted to assure you once again that you have nobody but friends around us. I will make sure that I surround myself with the best and most experienced people.
I also wanted to tell you that we are friends. We are great friends and you, Mr. President, have friends in our country so we can continue our strategic partnership. I also plan to surround myself with great people and in addition to that investigation, I guarantee as the President of Ukraine that all the investigations will be done openly and candidly. That I can assure you.
Translation: I’ll do whatever you need, bruh!
As a matter of fact, one of my aides spoke with your homey Rudy Guiliani a couple of days ago. He wasn’t making much sense but I’m hoping he can come back to Ukraine so we can collude more. Anyone who needs investigating, I will investigate, as long as you keep those checks coming.
The President: Good because I heard you had a prosecutor who was very good and he was shut down and that’s really unfair. A lot of people are talking about that, the way they shut your very good prosecutor down and you had some very bad people involved. Mr. Giuliani is a highly respected man. He was the mayor of New York City, a great mayor, and I would like him to call you. I will ask him to call you along with the Attorney General. Rudy very much knows what’s happening and he is a very capable guy. If you could speak to him that would be great. The former ambassador from the United States, the woman, was bad news and the people she was dealing with in the Ukraine were bad news so I just want to let you know that the other thing...There’s a lot of talk about Biden’s son, that Biden stopped the prosecution and a lot of people want to find out about that so whatever you can do with the Attorney General would be great. Biden went around bragging that he stopped the prosecution so if you can look into it...It sounds horrible to me.
Translation: Oh, Rudy is my nigga! I know he has bad teeth and talks like a sentient bag of Scrabble tiles, but he’s also my lawyer. Anyway. I need you to investigate Joe Biden and his son. I heard some things about him that I’m not gonna say because I didn’t actually hear anything but if you could make something up, that would be cool.
Of course, I’m not saying you have to do this. All I’m saying is: Ukraine is a nice country. It would be a shame if something happened to it.
President Zelenskyy: I wanted to tell you about the prosecutor. First of all, I understand and I’m knowledgeable about the situation. Since we have won the absolute majority in our Parliament; the next prosecutor general will be 100% my person, my candidate, who will be approved by the parliament and will start as a new prosecutor in September. He or she will look into the situation, specifically to the company that you mentioned in this issue. The issue of the investigation of the case is actually the issue of making sure to resolve the honesty so we will take care of that and will work on the investigation of the case.
On top of that, I would kindly ask you if you have any additional information that you can provide to us, it would be very helpful for the investigation to make sure that we administer justice in our country. With regard to the Ambassador to the United States from Ukraine as far as I recall her name was Ivanovich. It was great that you were the first one who told me that she was a bad ambassador because I agree with you 100%. Her attitude towards me was far from the best as she admired the previous President and she was on his side. She would not accept me as a new President well enough.
Translation: Well I am selecting a new Attorney General who will be on my side, much like your lackey William Barr. So if you just tell me what you want me to find, I will get right on that.
The President: Well, she’s going to go through some things. I will have Mr. Giuliani give you a call and I am also going to have Attorney General Barr call and we will get to the bottom of it. I’m sure you will figure it out. I heard the prosecutor was treated very badly and he was a very fair prosecutor so good luck with everything. Your economy is going to get better and better I predict. You have a lot of assets. It’s a great country. I have many Ukrainian friends, they’re incredible people.
Translation: Well, I heard he was trying to buy MSNBC.
My homey Rudy will call you and set up the lies. He’s not an official government agent so I will have Billy Boy call you too. Also, I think your economy will improve. To be fair, I know nothing about business or economies. But some of my best friends are Ukrainian.
President Zelenskyy: I would like to tell you that I also have quite a few Ukrainian friends that live in the United States. Actually last time I traveled to the United States, I stayed in New York near Central Park and I stayed at the Trump Tower. I will talk to them and I hope to see them again in the future. I also wanted to thank you for your invitation to visit the United States, specifically Washington DC. On the other hand, I also wanted to ensure you that we will be very serious about the case and will work on the investigation. As to the economy, there is much potential for our two countries and one of the issues that is very important for Ukraine is energy independence. I believe we can be very successful and cooperating on energy independence with United States. We are already working on cooperation. We are buying American oil but I am very hopeful for a future meeting. We will have more time and more opportunities to discuss these opportunities and get to know each other better. I would like to thank you very much for your support
Translation: Blah, blah, blah...I’m going to get right on this Joe Biden investigation. Blah, blah, blah.
The President: Good. Well, thank you very much and I appreciate that. I will tell Rudy and Attorney General Barr to call. Thank you. Whenever you would like to come to the White House, feel free to call. Give us a date and we’ll work that out. I look forward to seeing you.
Translation: That’s what I like to hear!
President Zelenskyy: Thank you very much. I would be very happy to come and would be happy to meet with you personally and get to know you better. I am looking forward to our meeting and I also would like to invite you to visit Ukraine and come to the city of Kyiv which is a beautiful city. We have a beautiful country which would welcome you. On the other hand, I believe that on September l will be in Poland and we can meet in Poland hopefully. After that, it might be a very good idea for you to travel to Ukraine. We can either take my plane and go to Ukraine or we can take your plane, which is probably much better than mine.
Translation: Okay! We should definitely get together and do brunch or something.
The President: Okay, we can work that out. I look forward to seeing you in Washington and maybe in Poland because I think we are going to be there at that time.
Translation: You must be crazy. I’m never going to Ukraine but we can meet in Poland. I’ll have my people call your people.
President Zelenskyy: Thank you very much, Mr. President.
Translation: I feel like I’m getting played.
The President: Congratulations on a fantastic job you’ve done. The whole world was watching. I’m not sure it was so much of an upset but congratulations.
Translation: You are, sucker.
President Zelenskyy: Thank you Mr. President bye-bye.
Translation: Bye, bitch.
*Zelenskyy is the official Ukrainian spelling of Volodymyr Zelensky and reflects how it was written in the official transcript.