Politics
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Trump Big Mad at Black Lives Matter, Calls NYC Fifth Avenue Mural a ‘Symbol of Hate’
President Trump started his Wednesday morning the way he normally does. He woke from his sleeping coffin, pulled South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham from his woven cot and began punching him in his ball gag until his knuckles turned pink. He then walked into the presidential kitchen in which he stepped on the backs of…
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Fla. Governor Continues to be a Goddamn Idiot, Has No Plans to Do Anything as COVID-19 Cases Continue to Rise
Have you ever heard the story of how Florida was created? It all started with a chicken sandwich. God hadn’t quite built up his body to handle all of the grease from the Popeyes crunchy chicken offerings and well, he started to get a bit sick. Finally, after sweating and grabbing his stomach, God leaned…
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Trump Is Willing to Defund Real Soldiers to Protect Statues of Racist Generals
President Donald Trump, the man voted most likely to rub soft carrots all over his flaccid body, has weaponized Twitter once again by threatening to veto a national defense bill if an amendment from Sen. Elizabeth Warren (It should’ve been you and not Joe Biden!) demanding that military bases honoring the losers that are the…
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The White House Confirms That the President Can Read and Also Make Poopies By Himself
I have two children under the age of 3, which basically means I’m tired of clapping. In my house, as with most houses with toddlers, we clap for everything. Literally everything. Basically my job as the father is to hype my children up like they just broke an Olympic record that’s been standing for hundreds…
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Joe Biden Says Statues of Christopher Columbus, Thomas Jefferson and George Washington Should Be Protected
In a world where you, an elderly white man, are in a presidential race in which you are trying to defeat the super boss evil overlord orange elderly white man with the (alleged) Adderall sniffs, how do you overcome his rabidly racist base while still trying to seemingly stay on the side of right? If…
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Felicia Pride, on the 'Vulnerability, Sensuality, Softness and Hardness' of the Women in Her Short Film, Tender
TV and film writer (and former contributor to The Root) Felicia Pride has an array of stories bubbling inside of her. Leading with a fascinating Hollywood journey that includes TV writing credits in Queen Sugar, a festival-accepted feature film and more exciting things to come, Pride embodies her surname. Having found Pride through her creator…
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Fox & Friends to Trump: Please Wear a Mask Over Your Anus-Like Mouth (I’m Paraphrasing a Bit)
The shadow president known to the American public as Fox News is getting tired of Trump’s shit and has asked, practically begged, the president of people who fry snacks to wear a goddamn mask over his anus-shaped pie hole because he’d be modeling good practices and would stop being such a dick. “I think that…
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Amy McGrath Wins Kentucky Democratic Primary, but the Establishment Is on Notice
After a week of nail biting over the tight U.S. Senate race in Kentucky, Amy McGrath has now been declared the winner. Kentucky state Sen. Charles Booker was leading the race with nearly 79 percent reporting last week, but the final tally has McGrath with 45.1 percent of the vote and Booker with 42 percent.…
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It Took 3 Hours to Delete the President’s ‘White Power’ Tweet Because No One Could Reach Him. He Was Out Golfing…During a Pandemic
I stand before you ashamed. I never thought that I would have to apologize to you but I must. See, all this time I’ve been arguing that a racist third-grader has been widely tweeting from the president’s official Twitter account and I was wrong. Grossly wrong. Not only did it turn out that the president…