One of my favorite things about being a sports head is the fellowship involved. Every time there’s a big moment, whether it’s a soul-crushing buzzer-beater or a blockbuster trade that nobody ever saw coming, I clamor for my phone to see how my homies are reacting, and after Monday’s news that the NFL’s resident demigod, Patrick Mahomes, signed the largest contract in the history of professional sports, my phone was bombarded with text messages.
“Nigga, this a light-skinned win!”
“WTF ain’t no way, bruh.”
“Just when I was getting tired of waiting for post-racial America to kick in. Look at God.”
“Jesus. He can finally get that surgery and fix his vocal cords.”
“You already know his pastor just sent him a calendar invite then moonwalked across the living room.”
Patrick Mahomes, AKA Mahomeboy because we grew up together (okay, that was a lie), is a very rich man. How rich has yet to be determined due to the incentives in his contract. But according to CBS Sports, at bare fucking minimum this man’s 10-year extension (10 years!!!!!!!) is worth $470 million and can go top out at $503 million.
Do you know how many
elections crag legs you can buy with $503 million?!
Of course, Mahomeboy’s deal wasn’t exactly a surprise. Everybody and their momma already knew what time it was after he torched the league the past two seasons and won his first Super Bowl. But $503 million?!
I guess that’s a small price to pay for the only player in NFL history to win league MVP and a Super Bowl before their 25th birthday. And you already know other QBs up for massive contraction extensions—like Pro Bowlers Dak Prescott and Deshaun Watson—are off somewhere watching YouTube tutorials on how to secure the bag.
“This is a significant moment for our franchise and for the Chiefs Kingdom,” Kansas City Chiefs Chairman and CEO Clark Hunt said in a statement. “Since he joined the Chiefs just a few years ago, Patrick has developed into one of the most prolific athletes in all of sports. With his dynamic play and infectious personality, he is one of the most recognized and beloved figures to put on the Chiefs uniform.
“He’s an extraordinary leader and a credit to the Kansas City community, and I’m delighted that he will be a member of the Chiefs for many years to come.”
I’m not particularly fond of Supreme Court justices serving life terms, but if you’re gonna be stuck with only one quarterback until the end of time, Mahomeboy’s the best in the business.
Get your money, family.