Overcompensator-in-Chief Takes Mulligan on Military Parade

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Remember 2017? Remember when we were all wondering what the fuck covfefe meant while wondering what our white coworkers were going to do with all those vagina hats?

Well, Donald Trump remembers the good old bad old days. So fondly, in fact, he’s resurrected an old hit.

After losing his first bid for an Independence Day military parade similar to the spectacle he saw on a visit to Paris, The New York Times reported that Trump has turned to the Interior Department to conjure one up for him.

Lauding what he called “a salute to America parade,” the President told cabinet members that his poorly-named spectacle would actually be “a gathering, as opposed to a parade, I guess you’d have to say.”

Jim Mattis, former defense secretary who was once tasked with Keeping Trump from stabbing his brain with a crayon up his nose, objected to the idea of members of the armed forces marching in Washington, D.C on the 4th of July.


So Trump has enlisted the help of interior secretary David Bernhardt to help him get his wish. The Defense Department estimated a $92 million price tag on Trump’s peacock parade last year, which caused Trump to put his processional on the back burner, though it didn’t stop him from accusing officials from artificially inflating the parade’s price.


“David, you’re taking care of that, and we’ll see how it works out with schedules and everything else,” the president said Monday.

Keeping in line with his vaunted reputation for deal-making, Trump quickly identified a cost-cutting measure: free fireworks. “We get free fireworks because it’s already being done,” said Trump, neglecting the $270,000 spent for 18 minutes of July 4th fireworks last year.

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Ibn Safir

Contributing Editor. When he's not pullin' up, he's usually jumpin' out. You can find him in the cut.