Contrary to popular belief, I do not wake up every morning trying to figure out how to attack my beloved Caucasian brothers. I only wish them peace and prosperity. In fact, every day I wake up before sunrise and whisper a plea to the Most High (Snoop Dog) for a special favor:
Can I leave white people alone for just one day?
But despite my morning meditation, usually, at some point during the day, I invariably run across something that white people did that forces me to wonder what the hell white people were thinking. Last week it was the apparent revelation that a few scrubs of Dove can wash away blackness. Before that, it was the acoustic cover of “Bodak Yellow.”
Whether it is a misguided Pepsi commercial or the belief that a Confederate flag has nothing to do with slavery, there is always something. In my quest to cure this societal condition, I have come up with a unique nonprofit program that might offer a solution to all of these problems at once:
The Society for Teaching the Oblivious to Pause and Think Hard About Things (STOPTHAT).
Using a Tinder-like technology platform, we would pair regular black people with well-meaning but culturally unaware white people, and teach them what they can and cannot do or say.
I am putting a business plan together now to secure the initial round of funding. The proposal uses the following two examples to explain how this might benefit the world:
This is not a joke. Believe me, I wish this were some kind of prank so bad, but a company called “Swirlbae” has created a line of tees that “celebrate the allies, partners, homies and swirly plus-ones in your life with a gift from the newest line of inclusive tees and hoodies from Swirlbae!”
If this company hired one of our partners at STOPTHAT, the associates would have raised their hands at the company meeting and vehemently objected. In fact, had our proprietary software been installed on the company’s computer system, when the person who designed this fuckery hit “save,” a pop-up would have appeared saying, “This file cannot be saved because this is some bullshit.”
Why this requires STOPTHAT: Because anyone who wears this to an actual cookout risks having the shit slapped out of them. That is not a colloquialism—actual feces will leak from their anus because cookout slaps are especially brutal when performed by someone skilled at slapping down big jokers and dominoes.
What if Rachel Dolezal were younger, whiter and knew less about black people than the fraud who claimed she was black and called herself “Rachel Luther Queen”?
She exists, bruh. Her name is WoahVicky and she is an Instagram star who claims she is black because a DNA test said she had a tiny bit of black ancestry. And you shouldn’t worry about her use of the n-word because, as she put it:
She also puts forth very nuanced arguments about the origins of speech, accents and code-switching:
Why this requires STOPTHAT: In this particular situation, STOPTHAT employees would ferry the offensive little troglodyte to the deepest, darkest recesses of the neighborhoods from which she claims to hail. Our co-workers would then introduce Vicky to a particular group of women who would confront her about her appropriation and use of privilege in a ceremony that first requires the removal of earrings, the popping off of their disposable nails, and putting on a pair of high-top Reeboks before they reach in their pockets for the box cutter.
They always have box cutters.
If white people actually had the black friends they always claim, these kinds of incidents would be way less frequent. The cultural appropriation is not so offensive as is the constant Columbusing (trademark: Stephen A. Crockett Jr.) of everything they see.
If not for STOPTHAT, your next cookout could have Kid Rock and semisweet Kool-Aid. Luckily, we are talking to some high-profile investors who might have interest in this project. Until then ...
May Dogg bless us all.