Some Thoughts
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Why (Some) Men Seem to be So Bothered by Cardi B's 'WAP,' Explained
This is dumb. What? Your entire premise. What’s wrong with it? Why would anyone in their right mind be bothered by waffles and pancakes? They’re delicious breakfast and brunch staples. The Anthony Davis of breakfast and brunch. And, even if you had celiac disease, there are gluten-free options. Do these men hate french toast too?…
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Here's Some Songs, Presented Today for No Reason Whatsoever, About PHAD (Presumably Hard-Ass Dicks)
1. “Too Close” Next Was a very popular club song in college. I don’t listen to the words of R&B songs, so didn’t realize it was about hard dicks until years later. Many years later. Too many years later. Like last year. 2. “Magic Stick” 50 Cent 3. “Dogshit” Ol’ Dirty Bastard Another college-related memory…
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If Kanye Somehow Stays in the Presidential Race, It'll Hurt Trump, Not Biden
“No, I don’t have any bottled water” was my reply, 12 years ago, when two women—one of whom I was dating; the other was her friend—visited my apartment for the first time. I’d just offered the friend some Kool-Aid, and she looked at me like I’d just offered her a glass of elephant backwash, and…
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A List of Characters in Hamilton Who Also Should've Shot Alexander Hamilton in the Face
1. At least once a week, 50 Cent does or says a thing that makes you think “Yeah, I see why people want to kill you.” Alexander Hamilton was (spoiler alert) killed by Aaron Burr, but like 17 different people had good reason to kill him too. The homie Bassey put it best: “Not enough…
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Do You Know What 'Brolic' Means? (And If Not, Where Are You From?)
While walking through some mud at Moraine State Park last weekend, I thought about how “mud” is one of those perfect words that fits exactly what it is. Mud looks and acts and feels and smells exactly like something we should call “mud.” It would make no sense if the word for mud was something…
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I Hope My Ancestors Were Goat Herders, Not Kings and Queens
Did Wakanda have housing projects? Payday lenders? A Wakandan Dollar General? These are questions I have whenever I watch Black Panther, and I’m sure there are comic book people who can provide answers. They are also dumb questions because Wakanda doesn’t exist, and whoever invented that nation could also invent a world where royalty can…
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White People Won't Save You
There are tens of thousands of Americans—nurses and uncles; bus drivers and doctors; aunties and baristas; grad students and my friend—who were killed by COVID-19 because they just weren’t able to escape it. Perhaps their occupation was high-risk. Perhaps they were unable to effectively social distance. Perhaps they had underlying—and white supremacy-induced—medical conditions that made…
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How To Prepare Steak Exactly How I Like It, Since I Don't Give a Shit If You Like It, Too
There are places on TV, in magazines, and on the internet where you can find peer-and-eater-reviewed methods for preparing, cooking, and staging great steaks. Where the people who make the steaks promise that, if you follow their directions, step-by-step, you will have a delicious steak too. I am not one of those people. This is…
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Thanks to Terry Crews, I Can Finally Put 'Coon' in a Headline Here!
Although we’re pretty much free to use whichever language we wish within the body of a piece here, headlines are different. Most profanity is fine, in the proper context. But proper context or not, the granddaddy (“fuck”) needs approval from our editor-in-chief. Sexually explicit terms are a no-go, and slurs are, too. Well, mostly. The…
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Why I'm Not Going to Give My Kids 'The Talk'
“So,” the moderator asked, during a public (and socially distant) book talk last week—my first time being indoors anywhere other than my house or a grocery store since early March—“what would you change if you wrote that chapter to your daughter today?” I’ve been asked a variant of that question dozens of times in the…