Opinion
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#SwimmingSheriffSusie Throws Lone Black Man Out of His Apartment Complex Pool
It’s officially the summer, so you know what that means: the beginning of cop-calling season. I know they have been calling the cops all year, but those white-people workouts were actually just tattletale training camps and off-season snitching sessions. Now that black people will start swimming and holding barbecues, the real games begin. In the…
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5 Super Smug-Ass Types of People Who Need To Cut the Shit
Smug is a funny word. It’s a word whose definition does it no real justice. But what is the definition? Glad you asked. Smug is an adjective that means having or showing an excessive pride in oneself or one’s achievements. You know the type, the folks who are super duper self-satisfied and feel superior in…
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FBI Agent Who Shot Man After Dropping Gun While Dancing Will Get His Weapon Back, Because Why Not?
An off-duty FBI agent whose version of the stanky leg ended with someone being shot will be allowed to carry his work weapon even as he considers a possible plea deal. Chase Bishop is facing charges of second-degree assault in the June 2 shooting that occurred at the Mile High Spirits and Distillery in Denver.…
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‘White People,’ Explained
Not all white people. I think I should issue that caveat at the beginning. Because I was partially homeschooled, I probably missed the day in first-grade language arts when they instruct people that, whenever the word “white” is used as an adjective to describe the word “people,” the reader should automatically assume the word “all”…
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#CaucasianCallingTax: White People Need to Be Taxed for Wasting Police Officers’ Time
At this point, people are becoming hashtags in a way we never imagined. #PermitPatty, #BBQBecky and other melanin-deficient folks have decided that they should be the gatekeepers of spaces where black people thrive. Now we have #PoolPatrolPaula because socks. At this point, they’ve got to be stopped, and I know just how to do it:…
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Zac Efron's 'Dreadlocks' Are Hilarious Looking And 'Just For Fun'
Not everyone was feeling Zac Efron’s new “just for fun” dreadlock hairstyle when he posted a new Instagram photo on Friday. The black and white photo shows Efron sporting some type of pointy, thin and rolled hairstyle, or as I like to refer to them as “wypipolocs.” Some of the commenters stated that Efron was…
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Cops Are White People's Cousins
Most of the time, life reveals the truth with a gradual slowness that allows us to grasp difficult concepts. But on a rare occasion, the universe will take mud and make itself a brick with the sole purpose of hurling it at your head. The following is an approximate excerpt from a conversation I had…
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Tomi Lahren Says People Are Being Mean to Her And It's All Maxine Waters' Fault
Tomi Lahren, Satan’s blonde-haired colostomy bag, went full snowflake on Fox News Saturday night, explaining that people think she’s a trash human being because of Maxine Waters, and not because she’s actually a trash bag full of right-wing vomit. On Saturday’s episode of Justice with Judge Jeanine, Lahren and Jeanine Pirro put on a miraculous…
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#PoolPatrolPatty: White Apartment Manager Fired After Calling Police on Black Couple Because of Socks
Apparently black people couldn’t catch a break during the 4th of July holiday when attempting to use the pool at various apartment complexes across the U.S. First there was Adam Bloom in Winston-Salem, N.C., who called the police on a black woman who he thought didn’t belong at a pool. But just a few states…
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Paul Blart, Pool Cop Fired After Calling Police on Woman For Swimming in Her Own Pool
The tartar sauce-hued hero who served as sentry to his neighborhood watering hole has lost his job after he sicced the police on a black woman who was trying to sneak into the pool area he patrolled like a fugitive slave catcher. On Friday, Sonoco Products Company announced that Adam Bloom was no longer employed…