Maybe We Need Tighter Sword Control Laws: Anchorage Man Reportedly Brings Knife to a Sword Fight

Pictured: Not the suspect, but WOW this is hilarious to look at.
Photo: iStock

En garde, bitch! I imagine that’s how a sword fight starts in 2019.

Police have a suspect in custody following a fight that took place in an Anchorage mall food court, resulting in a knife stabbing and a sword slashing, according to police. The suspect apparently had a small arsenal of an ax and some swords, making it pretty easy for police to grab him, believe it or not.

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He and another man—police think knew each other—got into an argument. No word on whether it was about whether Charlie’s or Auntie Anne’s lemonade was better. One was escorted out but came back—and was woefully unprepared for the renaissance faire arsenal the suspect had on him.

Upon seeing the man return, it’s unlikely the sword wielder screamed, “By the power of Grayskull!” But it’s hilarious to think he did, so I certainly will. He reportedly pulled out a knife and stabbed the other man in the upper body, after which the victim was somehow able to grab a small sword and wound the suspect’s leg. Between that and the fact that he came back to a fight with a motherfucker who literally had several swords, I have to assume the victim was some incarnation of Beatrix Kiddo. Both men are fine.

Police will apparently release the suspect’s identity and the charges filed against him sometime today.

For my part, I’m just trying to confirm what I’m already assuming about the backgrounds of these two very ridiculous and also very much alive men, which… Well, you’ll notice that I have this post in the “Wypipo” category. If I’m wrong, I’ll admit as much, but I don’t think I am!

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About the author

Natalie Degraffinried

Natalie Degraffinried is a staff editor for Kotaku.