Maybe Black People Need a Wall

Illustration for article titled Maybe Black People Need a Wall
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On Tuesday, a few hours before Donald Trump’s Shout-Outs of the Union speech, Alabama Attorney General Steve Marshall announced that he wouldn’t bring charges against the police officer who shot and killed 21-year-old Emantic Bradford Jr.


I tried to listen objectively as the bullshit-artist-in-chief used one-third of his speech to demonize undocumented immigrants, painting them as gangbangers, drug dealers, rapists, and murderers. As he ramped up his fear-mongering to a fever pitch, I admittedly even got a little nervous myself. Then, all of a sudden, it hit me:

Maybe a wall isn’t such a bad idea.

I have friends in cities across America who are upset that the racial makeup of their neighborhoods is changing. These people move in, take our jobs, bring their families and send all their money back to the white neighborhoods. They move from Wisconsin and have anchor babies, but when I ask to see their birth certificate after they claim Brooklyn or Oaktown, all of a sudden I’m the racist? I call it “chain migration,” you call it “gentrification,” but we can both agree on one thing:

A wall would fix that.

Look, I don’t want to sound like a segregationist, but we can’t just have open borders with white terrorism on the rise. I’m not trying to say they’re all like this, but if you look at the statistics, who’s more likely to commit a mass shooting? Despite being 62 percent of the population, who committed 78 percent of the extremist murders in 2018? Who remade Earth, Wind & Fire’s “September” into a rockabilly tune? Who shot Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan, JFK, MLK and J.R. Ewing?

White people, that’s who.

I’m cool with a travel ban that keeps out thugs from other countries like Liam Neeson, Ted Cruz, and Tucker Carlson (most people don’t know—he was born in Mayonnaisa, a small town on the outskirts of Whitekanda). When you think of threats to our safety like Las Vegas shooter Stephen Paddock, who committed the largest mass shooting in modern U.S. history, or terrorist and Charleston, S.C., church shooter Dylann Roof, the solution becomes obvious.

And there is an armed gang that kills hundreds and injures thousands of innocent black people every year. They killed 1,575 people last year—it’s time we do something about them, too.


No, I’m talking about police officers.

It’s hard for me to worry about Latino gangs when I don’t know a single person who has been shot or killed by an MS-13 member. Plus, if there were footage of an MS-13 member shooting someone in a crowded shopping mall, I’m sure he would at least have charges filed against him. No one would be stupid enough to suggest that an obvious killer be punished with desk duty and back pay.


So I conducted my very own peer-reviewed, scientific survey: I found a random group of black people and screamed, at the top of my lungs, “MS-13 is coming!”

One guy replied that he wasn’t really a Microsoft fan—he had a MacBook Pro. Two Tom Cruise fans separately offered me $10, assuming I was talking about the new Mission Impossible sequel.


As I collected my $20 for the bootlegs DVDs, I yelled, “Oh shit, the police are coming!”

Everyone took off running.

For black people, cops are way scarier than MS-13.

I understand that cops fight crime, but studies show that police killings are not related to the crime rate. Crime is going down, but police killings remain constant—just like net immigration is negative and the rate of undocumented immigrants crossing the border has decreased 12 years in a row, but white America believes there’s a national emergency at the border.


And our country is in a crisis—just not where white people think it is. White people use illicit drugs at higher rates than black people, but blacks are three times more likely to be arrested. We also know that police stop and search black drivers more often, and black people receive prison sentences that are 20 percent longer than the sentences of whites who commit the same crimes. Even worse, judges offer white people more plea deals and lower bail than blacks who commit similar offenses.

By now we know that locking people up won’t stop the illegal drug trade. That idea is as stupid as thinking a barrier would stop the vast majority of illegal narcotics, which come in through legal ports of entry. The solution might be a combination of technology, more scrutiny, and comprehensive immigration reform, just like a reasonable person would agree that we need comprehensive criminal justice reform.


Fuck reason. I want a wall.

When it comes to making black America safe again, we must not compromise with PC culture.


If we want to feel safe when we are walking home after buying Skittles, praying in a Charleston church, pulled over on a Minnesota highway for a busted taillight, or just walking in a mall in Alabama, there is only one way we can ensure the safety of black America:

Build that wall.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.


The mailbag this week should be something. For real I think we need a break from white people for a while.