Maria Sharapova Must've Had Some Shitty Drugs If They Made Her Lose To Serena 18 Straight Times

Quinn Rooney/Getty Images
Quinn Rooney/Getty Images

The most famous scene in When Harry Met Sally — and one of the most memorable scenes in movie history — takes place in a diner as "Harry" (Billy Crystal) attempts to convince "Sally" (Meg Ryan) that men can tell when women are faking orgasms. Sally disputes this claim, and proves herself right by faking an orgasm right there during the meal, while an astonished, confused, and entertained crowd looks on. (This, btw, was a hilariously transparent fake orgasm. But that's another topic for another day.)

Advertisement

As the scene concludes, the camera pans to an older woman approached by a server. Instead of ordering from the menu, she just says "I'll have what she's having"; the joke being that whatever Sally ate to generate that response must be amazing.

Anyway, earlier today Maria Sharapova announced that she tested positive for a banned substance at the Australian Open.

From the New York Times:

Sharapova said she received an email from the World Anti-Doping Agency in December that noted changes to tennis’s program for 2016. She said that the email included a link to a list of banned substances, but that she did not look at it.

“I have to take full responsibility for it,” Sharapova said at a news conference in Los Angeles. “It’s my body, and I’m responsible for what I put into it.”

Last fall, WADA said meldonium was included on the prohibited list because of evidence of its use by athletes with the intention of enhancing performance. Sharapova is at least the seventh athlete to test positive for the drug this year.

Now, I'm not sure what meldonium is or what it does, but I do know that performance enhancing drugs are called performance enhancing drugs because they are drugs that presumably enhance performance. I also know that Maria Sharapova, the world's highest paid tennis player, has lost 18 consecutive times to Serena Williams. The most recent being Jan 26th, the day she was drug tested. Which makes me wonder which performance these drugs were enhancing. Did her hair get more blonde? Did she get better at typing? Did her guacamole improve? Is she doing a better job responding to emails and text messages in a timely manner? Can she drink a whole Hennessy fifth? (Some call that a problem, but I consider it a gift.) Did she receive an especially cruel version of the same powers as Bradley Cooper in Limitless, with tennis courts being her only kryptonite? Can she Wobble without forgetting her steps? Or learn how to summarize shows to friends without spoiling them? (An underrated great quality to have.) Did she become a crocheting maven? Like, the best motherfucking crocheter in the history of crocheting? Can this chick loop the shit out of some yarn now?

Someone please tell me. Because performance enhancing drugs are supposed to be fun and cool. And performance enhancing. And if the result of her doping is losing 18 straight times to her biggest rival — seriously, Meek Mill vs the letter "L" is less of a one-sided feud — then I definitely don't want to have what she's having.

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)

DISCUSSION

elizabethharlee-disqus
Junegirl627

Sharapova is a gotdammmmmn liar. This chick lived in the U.S. Since she was 6-8 years old. But she got a prescription for medication that isn't FDA approved or available here. THEN she claims she didn't look at UPDATED LIST of substances she is banned from taking as a pro athlete. Even though it is well known that if you test positive you can be stripped of any titles and BANNED from your sport for up to 4 years!! BUT she just happened to UNkNOWINGLY take this drug that has been been proven to enhance performance on the SAME DAY SHE PLAYED SERENA. Then this bish got the nerve to say she been taking it for years…… Really H o e then how come you ain't test positive in all the other matches you played?!!! Because she played Serena in in the semi final which means she played 5 MATCHES BEFORE SERENA.

GETTHEFUCKOUTOFHEREWITHTHATBULLSHIT! Girl bye!!! Kick rocks!!!