Love & Hip Hop Hollywood Season 2: Episode 5 Recap

VH1 screenshot
VH1 screenshot

This episode starts off where Nia's life always starts off - running behind a man who actively goes by Soulja Boy who has been sleeping with and texting (as recently as the day before) his jumpoff, Nas, that he wants to be with her and in the words of Boyz II Men, "pleaaaaaaaaaaaase don't go awaaaaaaaaaaay from meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee….".


Because in this world, a meetup with jumpoffs and girlfriends is the norm, Soulja asks her to meet and she agrees and in he walks with his boo/bae/shenanigan supporter, Nia. You.All.Know.How.The.Story.Goes.: they argue back and forth, a drink gets thrown as both of them realize that the dude is the one playing the hell out of them but instead of truly being mad at him, they're mad at each other for effectively causing the other to not be the apple of his eye. Nas pulled out recent text messages and Nia read them and realized that "hmm, I hate this ho, but she ain't lying." Which causes Soulja Boy to go into the standard fucknigga philosophical mode of: "it's a thousand yous, its only one of me". Shouts to Kanye. Here's a haiku of what happened next:

A drink flew

Nia moved real fast

We all lose

Nas gets exited and Nia and Soulja sit at the bar where Soulja espouses more fucknigga philosophy by saying that he appreciates her for being down through it all and other fucknigga quotables. He pulls off the most expensive chain he has on, the $5,000 one with the ruby on it, and puts it around her neck as his sign of their new start and how real she is and shit. He kisses her and she refuses to pucker back, as the winds shifted towards her realization that despite what she knows, she isn't going anywhere.

Let's see, who else made appearances? Oh, Milan (who is a boy) and Miles. They move in together but Miles still hasn't told Amber that he's gay and that's why he can't get their thing together. Milan doesn't understand why he can't tell her. Which, ya know what, I think is a bit unfair. Clearly Miles is going through some shit but he is actually coming around slowly. He's trying. But that doesn't seem to be enough for Milan (who is a boy). Then again, it would seem that Milan doesn't have the whole story either. Point is, I hate both of these niggas. Miles decides he needs to tell Amber about his new life and goes to to do so but can't get his balls together to do so. But apparently Milan followed him to Amber's house (and didn't follow him to his auntie's house) and got pissed because Miles wasn't honest about that. Which is fair.

But, scrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….Milan, boo, when you need to follow your bae, you prolly need to go on ahead and leave that shrimp on the barbie. Y'all don't trust each other, and both for good reasons. And miss me with that, Milan only followed him because Miles isn't being honest bull malarkey. Once your relationship has pushed you into private investigator mode you should probably let it go. Because it looks like another TKO. Which is what was going to happen at the end of the episode when I waited (actually hoped) for them to start fighting.

Real talk though, and ladies I'm mostly talking to you here since in matters of the heart its usually you claiming the man is pushing you to those limits: your man isn't making you crazy. You are doing crazy shit because you are already crazy. However, if your man (or woman) is causing you to want to do things that you don't normally consider yourself to be capable of (which is also a lie, but let's just keep lying to ourselves) there's a really good chance this ain't the person for you. If you feel a need to follow your man somewhere, mayhaps you need not be with that person.

The more you know.



Drip drop. Drip-drippety-drop.

Princess finds out that Teairra ain't shit. Ho hum. And water is wet. Ray pretends that filming a music video is a real job and requires him to be 100 percent focused. I'm slightly amazed at these artists on this show who swear that…you know what? I don't even give a fuck anymore. Princess calls him a bitch nigga while walking off. Yay.


Let's talk about the good shit and start with my bae Moniece. Rich Dollaz has decided that he's in love with the coco enough to move in with her in LA.

Read that again.

Rich Dollaz has decided to move IN with one of the most insane women we've encountered on VH1, which is saying something. But since Rich never saw a bad decision he didn't like, he makes the movie and Moniece informs him that he's going to meet her mother so they can all sit down and talk because MamaMo aka Marla has some issues with Richie D. Which, let's be real, is fair. I don't even know him and I've got issues with him.


They meet at a restaurant, and Marla (who could get it), immediately goes in on Rich and his child support jailing situation. Considering that Moniece has a similar issue I can see why MamaMo would take issue with this. Rich immediately gets offended (as any regular person would when you're questioning them taking care of their children) and starts to clap back. Do you remember the song by Deborah Cox called "We Can't Be Friends?" Good song. That has nothing to do with this, but they ain't gon' be friends.

Let's talk about Marla for a minute. She, much like Moniece, presents well. She seems like she has her shit together. But if she did, she wouldn't be here because NOBODY'S 'SPOSED TO BE HERE! I'VE TRIED THIS LOVE THING FOR THE LAST TIME!


Deborah Cox is WINNING on VSB today.

Point is, Richie D and MamaMo no likey one another and they both need Jesus. Obviously this will not go well. So let's go to the funnest storyline.


In more proof that you should NEVER EVER sign to Bad Boy Records, Willie Taylor from now-defunct Day 26 and his wife Shanda have made the move to Los Angeles from Chicago. Shanda is a former stripper that Willie clearly pulled off the pole (after a time since he makes it clear he had some issues dealing with it back in Chicago), and they've moved to LA to get his music career back off the ground. They have six-months of savings at their disposal.

I like Willie. He seems like a good dude who is trying to take care of his family, but he's also got one hell of an uphill battle. Nobody was checking for Day 26; I can't imagine anybody checking for Willie solo. And you got six months to do this? Survey says…no. But I do wish the best for him. Willie and his wife have a talk about her getting a job, except her getting a job is her stripping again, which…


…she REALLY seems adamant about doing. She even cries about supporting her family. Look, I understand not having a serviceable skill. Plus she's got piercings in her face. Even a temp agency would bat an eye, but you've got two kids and you WANT to go back to stripping? Was she that good???? And she wants to do it so badly she's telling other people she would do it, like anybody asked her to.

Poor Willie. That's a pun. Because strip clubs. Anyway, poor Willie. I can't imagine having a conversation with my wife as she tells me, "I'M GETTING BACK ON THAT POLE!" How must that make you feel as a provider? Your wife has to shake her ass for dollars? But more importantly, what does it say about who you married that she WANTS to? Willie, I do not envy you. It is apparently Day 27, and that day is not so bright.


This was all the long way of saying: sign with Bad Boy and you might have to put your wife on the pole.

Thanks Obama.

Panama Jackson is the Senior Editor of Very Smart Brothas. He's pretty fly for a light guy. You can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking all her brown liquors.



There's no way this show is as good as the re-caps. It takes me back to the Clarence Update on Young and the Restless (was that a KC thing or national?)

Anyway, Panama, you should be the political reporter for VSB. Your eye for fuc kery would be well used.