I would cook up come elaborate explanation for my multi-week vacation, but I am unable to tell a lie: I spent the time offering spiritual guidance to Bow Wow. After much prayer and fasting, he has come to terms with the death of his career. Ase.
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Also coming to the long awaited end of its road this week was Love and Hip Hop Atlanta Season 5. Yes gawd, after 49 months of ignorance, white jaysus saw fit to bring Mona Scottโs latest attempt at ethnic genocide to an end. HalleLEUjah! Mamasay mamasaย mamakoo saaaaa! My lort, I feel like children were conceived and born in the time it took for that long ass season to end! I feel like a Hebrew whoโs been in the desert jaysus. Twelve years a slave indeed!
In keeping with this seasonโs tradition of utter disappointment (See: Stevie Jโs fake kid; Karlie Reddโs fake pass out; K Michelleโs fake return) Mona Scott delivered not one, but two utterly late and delayed ass season reunions - minus the reunion. Thatโs right: Due to continuing threats of intra-cast violence Mona opted to conduct a reunion that involved various duos and trios of cast members sitting in rooms talkinโ smack at different times. Hmm. Now I only have a bachelorโs degree, but isnโt a key element of the term โreunionโ the โunionโ?? Apparently not in Mona Scott-ville, where K Michelleโs A-frame body is naturally occurring and Karlie Redd has legitimate streams of income.
But pause - Iโve been off the scene too long to just jump into the reunion. Letโs take a moment to reflect on the final few episodes of the glorious fuckness that was this season.
In a nutshell: Mama Dee is sticking with Ernest, because 150 years old and options limited before voyage to Upper Room; Tammy is packing up her baby, moving on up and moving on out. Take that Mr. Malphurs; KK and Tiara tried to become friends - the operative word being tried; Rasheeda and Kirk are still here; as is Yung Joc, so there you go; Tommie is seeing an intern about her drunkenness; Mimi is about to embark on her (400th) lifeโs dream - interior design; Karlie Redd is taking a break from love - OKKKKKKKKKK; and finally, Scrappy wants to make an honest woman out of Bambi, and shows as much when he pops the question; after an extremely extended pause, she says yes, sort of. Oh, and Joseline and Stevie J. ainโt fuckinโ with each other. Well now, THAT, I didnโt see coming. #itsfunnybecauseitsnottrue
And that brings us to the two-part โreunionโ finale, shot tag-team, WWE style. First things first: D Smith, Deb Antney and Waka chose not to participate. Itโs cool, I really didnโt care to look at no hard chins or miscreant weave anyhow. Which one of them am I shading? Thatโs the beauty of it - it could be all three of them!
Onto Round 1: The Bottom Dwellers. Itโs gums vs. sharp, elfin features as Bambi and Betty Idol try to hash it out with Scrappy looking on. Bambi went AWF. She called Betty Idol out for claiming now that heโs a talented artist she just wanted to work with, but that when they were beefing, he was a has been. CHILE I know which one I believe. Mama Dee offered the assist in her Dynasty dress with shoulder pad game strong. It all developed into a chihuahua shouting match pretty quickly. Literally nothing worth note was said.
Next: Yung Joc, Kurt and Scrappy. I was dramatically surprised and impressed by all of the developments in these menโs lives. I mean, they have really turned it around! Girl Iโm lying, these ninjas didnโt matter all season and they somehow managed to matter even less during this reunion. All I can say is, has Joc just completely given up on the idea of ever actually being taken seriously in music again? I mean, because every time I see him with those clothes and that haircut, I feel like Iโm looking at spiritual and emotional defeat.
Round 2: But For Why? The Kings are in the building. KK is resplendent in her finest Charmin couture gown, with hair by the dude who used to trick out that afro with the bang for the Ohio Playersโ frontman, Sugarfoot. I mean, it was truly an epic, anaconda braid with bouffant accessory. Her dog wore Chanel, while son Sas turned up in his favorite couturier, dirt. They explain that all season and even now people fear them because they respect them. Chile, people fear you because they donโt want their credit cards being ran up. KK acknowledges her trio of felonies and we learn that sheโs about as reckless with her mouth as she is with her hands: She accuses King of not being her sonโs kid. Waymi ho. You talking about the little boy you were arguing over all season? And now you wanna go on Maury? If another season happens, and I swear I hope it doesnโt, I need this delayed ass family to be marked absent indefinitely.
Next: Karlie Redd vs. Lyfe. Karlie nears the promised land of a peaceful season end as she sits down and buries the hatchet with a prego-nant (!) and newly married (!!) Tiara. Then in walks Lyfe and it all falls down. Lyfe continues to complain that Karlie embarrassed him by cavorting with Scrapp the jailbird to be. And furthermore, he says in a seasoned mixture of advanced placement petty and master teacher-level shade, when she fell on the ground during his faux proposal, he wanted her to stay there. Haaaaaaaaa! Karlie retorts that heโs the devil and his ice is fake. That may be so, but you begged for the D, says Lyfe. Oโrly?!? Karlie starts preaching a mock sermon against Lyfe (her every attempt at reading people goes cornball every time) and ends the scene by telling Lyfe he is dismissed. He calls her a bald-headed scalawag on his way out the door, and weโre left to wonder if she really did beg for the D. My moneyโs on absolutely.
Stud Bae vs. Ariana. Yes chile, you read that correctly. Two non-headline niggas who honestly barely made it into the opening credits somehow had an entire segment of beef - and churl, wont it REAL beef tho?! Stud Bae stepped into the room in her Atl studโs finest french braid/cease combo giving a nasty cholo effect. Ariane rocked an outrageously offensive lacefront and high-necked black gown, giving you Interview With a Vampire. And Mimi mostly looked on, whilst sporting a white Playtex 18-hour bra/pant combo last seen in Apolloniaโs reject pile. The antics started with Stud Bae claiming exhaustion over Ariane questioning her/his/its/who caresโ gender identity, to which Ariane replied that cunt antics get you labeled cunt. Stud Bae says everybody doesnโt have the money for gender reassignment and that doesnโt give you the right to shade their gender identity. Ariane continues to say Stud Bae is bitch made, and points to an anti-Mimi diss record Stud Bae released recently because, seventh seal. Voices are raised. Stud Bae lives up to her petty name by saying that Ariane needs to pay more attention to cultivating her edges than to being in the control tower of Mimiโs life. True. But you donโt have a lineup ma - and those come free with the haircut. So whatโs YOUR story? PS: Your wardrobe budget. Arianeโs. Critical differences. Explain. Neeeeeext!
Honorable Mention: K Michelle, glamorous in her Mary J. Blige bob and next level false eyebrows was in attendance. Because we were all waiting! She explains she wanted to come back to show everyone that she did it on 'em with her great career success.ย Bless my girlfriend, she didnโt know who this woman was.
Her: Does she have songs?
Me: *reluctant nod*
Her: Have you heard any of them - you listen to her?
Me: *agitated glance*
People play too much.
Round 3:Main Event - Joseline vs. everybody. So apparently at some point, everyone decided Joseline was the devil, despite the fact that she and her ever-revolving cast of mardi gras outfits are whatโs keeping all of them in the finest Spondivits dinners and Steve Madden shoes. The result: Joseline was unable to โreuniteโ in the room with anyone for more than a few minutes. Valiant attempts were made though. She spent a strong five seconds with KK and her aggressive braid before calling her an old hoย (Iโll allow it) and nearly coming to blows. But KK isย an old ho, and an unhappy one at that. Plus I think her dog donโt like her. Truth hurts bitch!
For reasons unclear, they tried to get Joseline and Mimi in the same room. Mimi said nawl, this wrap is laid too Oprah clean for me to get another drink skeeted into my face. Instead, they end up talking separately about how them bitches was friends,ย Mimi swearing it was due to her thinking she was her daughterโs stepmother. Mkay. Joseline retorts that she isnโt sure why Stevie J went back to live with her, when sheโs โoldโ and her pussy isnโt that good because she had it. More mkay.
Basically, Joselineโs antics carried about 75 percent of the โreunionโ - which got about as old as you think, about as fast as you think, with the climax of foolery occurring when she, Shenellica, performs an on-air prego-nancy test and determines that she is knocked up. Iโve seen the pix, and I say thatโs just a good French dip sammich and some Rap Snacks in there, possibly with a blue cream soda and optional Reeseโs peanut butter cups, but girl I guess. What follows is an overlong, sordid back and forth with Stevie J. over who this phantom baby belongs to. My biggest takeaway: They are truly doing some amazing shit with home preggo tests if Joselineย didnโt know she was preggo yesterday, but is able to claim sheโs three months along not 24 hours later! PS: Why are so many people OK with touching something someone just peed on?!?!
Itโs been a long, long, long season yโall. And I would say Iโm sad itโs over. But Iโd be lying! Until next season? Weโll see!
Straight From
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