Leaked Emails Reveal That Colin Powell, A 79-Year-Old Black Man, Acts Exactly Like Every 79-Year-Old Black Man

Paul Morigi/Getty Images for Capitol Concerts
Paul Morigi/Getty Images for Capitol Concerts

Colin Powell is not here for your bullshit.

He, in fact, is so not here for your bullshit that if "your bullshit" was a high school homeroom teacher taking attendance, Colin Powell would be in the bathroom brushing his waves, silently humming "I aint here for this shit" while bouncing in the mirror. He is fully committed to being completely absent whenever your bullshit is present. He's so steadfastly not here for your bullshit that he gets Google News alerts and Waze notifications to let him know when your bullshit might be in the area, just so he can turn on Google Maps to find another route. If he sees your bullshit has RSVP'd to an event he planned to attend, he's staying home that night to eat lemon pepper wings and watch Vice Principals.


Of course, in relation to Colin Powell, the leaked emails revealed that "your bullshit" also includes (but isn't limited to) the following:

Hillary Clinton as President

Donald Trump as a living human being breathing air

Bill Clinton's chastity belt

Dick Cheney's family as a staff, a record label, and as a mother fucking crew

Ultimately, the primary takeaway from the leaked emails is that Colin Powell is petty, snarky, curmudgeonly, sly, and funny. Which means he's every 79-year-old Black grandfather who's ever existed. The only thing about those emails that shocked me is the lack of "White motherfuckers." It definitely needs a generous peppering of some "White motherfuckers." If the email leaks were a lasagna baking, it would need a light sprinkle of "White motherfuckers" and 15 more minutes in the oven before it was ready to serve.

And while I don't know enough about Powell to presume much more about him, I do know that, while he's not here for your bullshit, if he's truly like every Black grandfather, he's definitely here for the following things:

360 minutes a week spent in aisles 13 through 18 at Home Depot

Gina Torres on Suits

Comfortable clothing

Grilling literally everything. Briskets, corn, chicken broth, cereal, Kool-Aid, couscous —you name it, it's going on the grill

The Lincoln Mkz

The Weather Channel

The wifi and soup at Panera Bread

Falling asleep during conversations he started

Listening to rappers who were much more popular in 1999, and then asking you if you've heard of them



Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB, a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, and the author of What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker (Ecco/HarperCollins)



Is anyone else concerned though that Russians are trying to play with our elections?