Contrary to popular opinion, Donald Trump is not Satan.

If Satan ate six buy-one-get-one-free clearance specials from a mystery meat cart at a Mississippi carnival that gave him diarrhea that he was unaware of until an assumed fart revealed itself to be an inadvertent poopburst that leaked out of his anus and ran down his flabby buttcheeks where the shitdripping dried in the nether regions of his taintpath ...

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If those Raisinet-like turd fossils became sentient, racist and power-hungry, that living, breathing meatstick dingleberry from Lucifer’s asshole would still refuse to work for the cabal of deplorables inside the Trump administration because no one, not even the devil’s dookeyballs, is that repulsive.

And if that previous paragraph turned your stomach, you probably don’t want to read the New York Times report about Tricia Newbold, the employee who recently revealed to Congress that President “No Collusion” forced her coworkers to grant security clearances to Trump administration officials in spite of the concerns of professionals inside the White House Personnel Security Office.

Newbold told NBC News that when she informed her former director, Carl Kline, that he was breaching protocol, Newbold, who has a rare form of dwarfism, claims that Kline retaliated in the evilest, most childish, pettiest way ever—by moving her work files to a shelf she couldn’t reach.

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These are warning signs!

Whenever I see profiles of serial killers, someone always has a story of how they strangled neighborhood kittens with knitting yarn or skinned a squirrel alive with a gravy spoon. That’s what this is. Years from now, we might find out that Kline’s basement was filled with the skeletons of dead puppies and Democrats who went missing during the mid-to-late 2010s. We have to stop this guy.

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If someone wrote a script about a high school bully and included a scene where a character did this, I’d tell them to cut it out because no one would do something that fucking shitty to another human being. I think federal investigators should seriously look into locking this Kline dude up because he shouldn’t be in a society with normal people.

Also, how does someone who is seemingly a sociopath get a job screening other people?

Oh yeah ... whiteness.

In addition to the White House acting like the villain from a 1980s afterschool special, the Times also reports:

In January, Ms. Newbold was suspended for two weeks without pay after NBC News reported that Mr. Kline had approved a security clearance for Mr. Kushner despite staff objections. The office’s new director, Crede Bailey, said at the time that Ms. Newbold had refused to “support new procedures your supervisor implemented.”

Within the past two weeks, Mr. Passman said she was also removed from her supervisory role at work. On Monday, the White House did not immediately respond to a request for comment about whether she could expect to continue in her job. In the evening, Ms. Newbold’s lawyer said she had gone back to work without incident.

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That’s right. After Newbold skirted Mar-a-Lago North’s strict “No Snitching” policy and spoke to Congress, she returned to work the next day—a bold move I have only seen once, in 1998, when the office administrator, Katrina, told our boss to “suck her dick.” Yes, Katrina was a woman, which left everyone confused—especially when Katrina showed up to work the next morning as if nothing had happened.

I think I should give Katrina’s number to Tricia Newbold.

I bet she’ll straighten these motherfuckers out.